Posted by Damiana on July 24, 2004, at 22:07:17
In reply to Re: I'm in love with my therapist, posted by pinkeye on July 15, 2004, at 19:45:37
I feel that not falling for your T if you feel he is a good T (and he is a heterosexual), and you are a woman with trauma history, is impossible. I did that too, being a successful professional and a very hurt and messed-up trauma survivor.
Him being much older and me imagining nothing could really happen in real terms, made it so easy to tell him in countless e-mails and close to 100 of poems. Not once has he allowed me to discuss it with him in the sessions, as if it was a completely unacceptable conception, my need to bring it up was scorned mostly gently each time I tried. Yet, he let me tell the serial horrors of my life because he made me believe I needed to tell it all over until I heal. I drew the pictures, I told the details, I cried and sobbed and broke down a few times, to hear from him he deeply cared about me and loved me, my suffering had moved him, and he was there to absorb it all.
He persuaded me I had the dissociative disorder, he used hypnosis and silence to relieve my stress. If I did not fall for him, I would be a fiend, I feel. My social status appeased him, I asked him for advise on all aspects of my life, he had been the most intimate friend and companion I have ever had. Then, for an unknown reason, to me seemingly out of context, he turned on me screaming in my face: "do You think I am romantically attracted to you?", while I was flying away in horror saying "no", him saying "good, for I am not!". While he was examining every square micrometer of my face, neck, chest, hair, with his huge deep brown eyes ten inches from my face.
This happened after a few smaller impasses when I felt I should quit because I was too involved emotionally, he always dissuaded me by claiming I was "firing him" unjustly.
The following two sessions were a royal display of my humble apologies for yet another inaproppriate behavior, while he used every possible knowledge imparted to him in the moments of therapeutic intimacy, to ridicule and intimidate me starting with my sexual inadequacy to my "slut-like" almost alter. His explanation was that, this was a result of cumulative effect of my relentless confessions of attachment (no matter how poetic they were), and he needed the much wanted vacation.
The freeze and terror he recreated in me are, in my mind, zillion times worse than if he extended his arm and touched me physicaly.
The joy of emotional and intellectual intimacy I exprienced with him in the last 8 months is indiscribable. The rejection and betrayal I feel because I only dared to be the "incorporated me", put me way beyond the point where I began. Mind you, I walked in his office because he was recommended by the private school to discuss my eldest son's behavioral difficulties, then accepting him as my therapist when he revealed to me I suffered from severe trauma consequences and had me read Judy Herman's book.I think I shall never in my life look at a man again, let alone entertain an intimacy. I am killed, killed by my T because I dared to fall for him (not even having a notion in my head about the transference...)
All in all, if he had the guts to touch me, it would had been much less damage, in my mind.
poster:Damiana
thread:267681
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040723/msgs/370131.html