Posted by Pfinstegg on August 14, 2004, at 22:08:59
In reply to Re: talking to who shows up..., posted by Dinah on August 14, 2004, at 21:21:55
I'm so glad to see that photo of you. Dinah. I don't know if it's been around, and I've just missed it, or if you just put it there. Anyway, it's great to see it- and I know that those wonderful essentials which are there in the photo don't change throughout life. I can see how fair you were then, and how you have sort of an impish smile and a very direct, open gaze. You were such an appealing girl; I think that gaze is kind of rare in children- so alive and open and kind of validating to the person looking at you. I couldn't help thinking- do you close your eyes when you are with your T (maybe you don't any more) because you have such a magnetic gaze that it's a bit scary?
The rest of your post brought up lots of thoughts. Although you of course don't have DID (even I don't have that), it sounds as though maybe you do have some less than fully integrated parts- at least that seems to be one way your therapist responds to you. If you were to talk abou this stuff with my analyst, you'd find that he thinks everyone has some degree of dissociation- it's just another way of saying that we do have unconscious, unknown parts of ourselves. Most people keep them under pretty tight control. If you have real DID. the other parts find ways to express themselves, but if you just have dissociative tendencies, they are repressed, and instead of getting expressed, they cause anxiety and depression- constant fear that they WILL find their way out, and that that would be catastrophic for some reason.. So one goal for everyone would be to lift the repression, and find out, in someone like me, for example,that there really is a dissociated child who bears the burden of abuse. But for someone who doesn't have an outright history of abuse, but rather more subtle interactions with not-so-healthy parents,there would be more simple repressed emotions- like anger, rage, desires to retaliate, detachment, and then also dependency, neediness- the whole range of feelings which your parents were unable to help you integrate into a healthy self. Of course, if you have a dissociated self, you also have all these repressed emotions- in both parts!
I guess the important questions to ask ourselves, whatever our diagnoses are, 1) am I connecting in a deep and healthy way with my T, survivng cycles of rupture and repair, and having a gradually more secure attachment until I've gotten enough of what I needed, and 2) do I feel like an increasingly whole person who cares about myself and knows and can accept all of me- not beating myself up about mistakes, limitations or failings? 3) Can I use my gifts and talents more than I could before therapy?
Do you have other things you'd add to this? (or subtract?) Thanks for the great pic, Dinah!
poster:Pfinstegg
thread:376265
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040812/msgs/377778.html