Posted by Dinah on September 2, 2004, at 10:04:44
In reply to Re: I'm not feeling too good about my decision » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on September 2, 2004, at 8:27:46
> Dinah,
> Are you mad at yourself or mad at your T for "letting you go" a bit?Definitely a bit of both. I think he sees this as a sign of growth, and is happy about it. :(
> Do you feel resentful perhaps because there is a sense of being deprived? I admit I'm a little confused about what you are feeling right now.
Absolutely I feel resentful about being deprived. It's the right and sensible thing to do, but I don't necessarily *like* it. But if I waited until I liked it, I'd never do it.
One thing I *detest* about my emotional side not being hidden is that I used to be able to throw huge temper tantrums about sensible decisions made by my rational self. Threaten to self injure, just really get furious and destructive. Now that my emotions are more engaged in my life, my heartless and cruel (admitted hyperbole here) rational self often makes sure that I'm in joint agreement about these decisions. So then I can't blame and act very badly. I have to "be responsible" (insert mocking sing song tone) and "do the right thing". And I very much resent being put in that situation. (wry smile)
I understand how odd the above paragraph sounds, and I hope it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable, but it's a fairly accurate depiction of my internal life. Kind of like a kid who is secretly happy to be able to blame Mom and stomp off to their room for not being able to go to that keg party after the prom, having Mom suddenly say "It's up to you whether or not you go to the keg party." Sigh.
poster:Dinah
thread:385223
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040828/msgs/385641.html