Posted by tabitha on September 26, 2004, at 1:53:59
In reply to Good to see you :), posted by Dinah on September 26, 2004, at 0:20:16
Mine is at an all-time low too. I keep googling phrases like "when therapy doesn't work" and "quitting therapy" trying to find some guidance, or some substitute. At least you've still got some religious belief, right?
The odd thing is I can't even remember what it felt like when it was working. There was a period when I was doing a lot of phone sessions. I'd get upset between office sessions, and call her, and I'd feel better after we talked. That was probably the best thing. I remember a distinct point where I started looking forward to her calls more than hoping for a callback from a friend, or a love interest. She was just so much better at listening, and making sense of my pain, and saying something comforting. And it was great that I didn't have to give anything back, except money. I can't even remember what she would say.
The office sessions generally didn't feel good. I usually felt emotionally drained afterward, and sometimes really burdened. I took a lot of sick days the day after my sessions. But it all seemed so meaningful and important somehow. You know, the brave battle for healing.
I used to have a lot of doubts about therapy. For the first few years I had almost constant doubts. I'd keep up this conversation with myself, where I was trying to justify it. Then there was a period where I just didn't bother to question it anymore, I just kept going. I'd only question it when I was mad at her. Then she'd talk her way out of it, and I'd lap it up, and peace would be restored.
But lately, it's really feeling like my sane adult self is saying it's time to stop. Yet I can't convince her. I almost wish she'd just say she can't help me. I'm afraid I don't have the strength to self-terminate, unless she gives me permission. But I haven't seriously talked about it yet, I've just been griping about how painful group has been, and how my life doesn't really feel all that much better after all the years of therapy.
She always says I'm better, that she sees improvements, and she'll tell me things, patterns that I don't really see. Last time I said 'how am I better?' and she said I have healthier coping mechanisms now. Dang, that doesn't really sound like all that much, does it? All the money and time and emotional energy I've put into it, and I have healthier coping mechanisms? That's the reward?
OK I realize I'm ranting. I feel like a need a new board, the Doubts about Therapy board, so I don't poison anyone with my loss of faith.
poster:tabitha
thread:395117
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040925/msgs/395171.html