Posted by lifeworthliving on December 19, 2004, at 22:05:23
i'm better today than i have been since my last t appt on wed. i think i mentioned before that my t is on the other side of the world with her fam for xmas. i have all the numbers and can email at will, but managed to resist so far. i've now got enough time/tough on my side to consider that i might be ok to not email her at all. i wasn't sure if i wanted this (no contact) because i don't want her to know if i'm ok, or because i wanna mess with her, or maybe i want to see if she will initiate contact first? i'm pretty sure she thinks i will at least email, like i did last time she was gone. she has always been so thoughtful and kind so i'm not sure why all the juvenile craving to mess with her... make her wonder... never write. is this because i think i've got some power? it's the only way i can "hurt" her? oh what a mind mess this therapy thing can be. does anybody ever want to mess with their therapist? and what is it about? i've refused phone contact because it seemed like such a bother, nevermind the one time i consented i felt awkward... like the whole vacation had to stop so she could call some "what about bob" client, while all the others in her traveling party waited in the car, outside some nasty phone booth in a foreign country, so she could check in with some goof ball client that may or may not return to bulimic behavior in her absence. sometimes the whole thing seems so sick, others i wouldn't have it any other way, it feels so good. sigh. i do miss her and spend a lot of time thinking about her (hoping she is safe) and wondering if i shouldn't just write and get it over with. i know she thinks i will write, i do it all the time in life, for therapy, etc. and then i can't really be honest because i don't want to ruin her vacation. not that i have that power but i would never admit to having a hard time because that seems so worng. there is nothing she can do about it so i just write funny stuff, try to be entertaining and then pray like hell she writes enough in return to somehow sustain me. i dont know if i was weird before therapy, or if therapy is what made me weird?
poster:lifeworthliving
thread:431880
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041218/msgs/431880.html