Posted by mair on January 3, 2005, at 7:49:47
In reply to Re: Forever therapy - Spoke to my therapist, posted by Dinah on January 2, 2005, at 10:07:04
Thank you Dinah
2 things have happened in the last several weeks which make me think that maybe the walls are coming down some. First, about 3 weeks ago I had a conversation with a colleague about the issue of my compensation - a conversation which I had only just told my T was never going to happen. Having the conversation at all was progress for me, but what really hit me is that I really really wanted to tell my T about it and I wanted her to be happy for me. It's so unbelievably rare for me that I ever have a thought like "I can't wait to tell T." I wasn't going to see her for 5 days or so and I needed to mail her a check for my bill so I just included a small note with the check. Fortunately I got the reaction from her that I wanted. Even thought the conversation resolved nothing, she knew it was a big deal for me to even raise the subject, and she was genuinely happy for me. She also understood how important it was to me that I wanted to tell her what had happened.
The second event was more recent but also over the perennially upsetting end-of-the-year issue of my compensation. The last time I saw her before the holidays we talked about how I thought I was going to get nowhere with my colleagues and for a lot of different reasons, I was feeling very depressed about it. That last session was pretty awful and probably not a good one to have right before a 10 day break but on the drive back to my office, as morose as I felt, it also hit me how much her support meant to me. Customarily, no matter how much she tells me she supports me, I don't particularly buy it, or certainly don't feel it. The next day I found out that my compensation proposal had been accepted in the most anticlimatic way. It didn't turn out to be anywhere near the contentious divisive issue that I thought it would be. By the time I heard this I had so worn myself down that I felt very little elation or relief even though this has been a nettlesome issue for me for years and tends to contribute to a lot of end of year depressive feelings. Since I wasn't going to see her for over a week, I sent her a note to let her know that the issue had been resolved, but as I started writing it, the primary message of the note became how much I appreciated her support. Feeling that support in a palpable way and wanting to communicate my gratitude are totally new for me.
The funny thing is that when I did meet with her 10 days later, it became clear to me that she hadn't gotten my note - she didn't bother to pick up office mail while she was off. When I described the note to her, I told her I wrote it just to let her know what had happened. I had totally forgotten that I had said anything in it of a more personal nature. In fact I remember wondering, on my way back to the office, why I had bothered to write the note. An hour or so later I got a phone call from her which, when announced, I assumed was because I had left something at her office or because she needed to change my next appointment. When i got on the phone she started thanking me for my wonderful note, which she had just retrieved. I had to think for more than a few minutes why she would be thanking me, again because I had totally forgotten what the real message of the note had been.
This is new territory for me and I'm a little frightened by it. I realize that I have to feel comfortable in a closer relationship with her if I'm ever going to get anywhere in therapy, but the possibility of really caring about our relationship is scary too.
Mair
poster:mair
thread:436168
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/437139.html