Posted by daisym on March 4, 2005, at 2:18:05
I terrified of losing my therapist. I'm convinced that eventually I will do something to make him decide that he can't be my therapist any longer. This is not new. I'm even pretty sure that I know *why* I'm afraid - those familiar abandonment issues are alive and well. I've got full-blown manifestations of an attachment disorder and I'm in the throes of a painful (VERY PAINFUL!!!!) separation anxiety phase. I've been struggling with having any pride and dignity around this (the adult me) and telling him exactly how hard it is to leave a session and how much I miss him in between (the kid me). Mix in with all of this that I'm telling him about abuse episodes in detail, graphic detail, and falling apart all over the place.
*sigh*
I'm now telling myself that it isn't the stories that will drive him away, though I do worry about that. I find that I worry that he will begin to feel bad for me, and become defensive about not meeting all of my needs. And, upon realizing he is defensive, will decide that I need someone else. I worry that if I tell him honestly how much I miss him, he will decide that this is bad and he needs to find away to make me not miss him. I guess I'm worrying that he will eventually feel so bad about all the pain I'm in that he will want to escape the ever present doom and gloom that seems to surround me. I tend to do this, I try so hard to never make anyone feel the slightest twinge of embarrassment, guilt or negative feelings; I've even been known to let people call me by the wrong name instead of correcting them. And I know it sounds so very egotistical to think my situation is enough to cause distress for my therapist. But still...doesn't everyone want to get away from someone who makes them feel bad?
Pride has lost out the past two days and I've been pretty honest about how difficult it is for me to leave and how much I miss him, especially in the middle of the night. I told him I even had out the picture he gave me last summer, though I felt silly. He said he was glad I had it, and it wasn't silly. And he knew how really hard it was right now. But he also said that eventually I would see the value of the time in between sessions, as I learn that I can know all of this and still hold it together for a while. And he reminded me that even when he wasn't with me, he was still with me. (I cried that this wasn't enough right now...) He tells me to call him and I have but still... It adds to the overall fear of being "too much, too needy, too hard and too clingy."
I don't want to be all these things. I want to push the emotional-off switch as I leave his office, but someone broke mine. I want to hold this neediness myself and not tell him how I feel about this, but I can't seem to do that either. I think I feel him pushing me ever so gently away from him a little, but then again, I'm looking for signs of this, expecting it to come at any minute.
God, I hate this. I feel so alone and like such a pain in the a**
poster:daisym
thread:466310
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050225/msgs/466310.html