Posted by Skittles on March 6, 2005, at 10:53:55
Everything is so mixed up right now. I posted in a thread above about my mother's sudden hearing loss and about how she is a T and I will be the one calling her clients. She's been on steroids and anibiotics since Thursday and there has been no change in hearing so far. Also had an MRI Friday that revealed nothing (not sure if that's good or not, you know?). So for now, we continue with the medicine and sit tight for bloodwork results which could take a few weeks.
It's been so hard b/c I've had much more contact with the parents over the last few days. My childhood was not good, so many memories coming back and I've been trying so hard to distance from them, but now I can't. Hardest with my father. Over there twice on Friday. Once, he grabbed me and held me close and told me he couldn't ask for a better daughter. Oh yeah? Then why did you do those horrible things to me? Second time he hugged me and told me he was feeling a lot of guilt over how he treated me when I was growing up. I wonder exactly what he's admitting to? But at the same time I absolutely DO NOT want to talk about it with him. Mostly I just wanted him to let me go. I don't like it when he touches me.
And I'm selfish and hateful because I feel like they are asking me to do too much. They wanted me to call mother's MD Friday to ask some questions (among MANY other things). And that got me really irritated (with them and with myself for being irritated at them). My father was home that day and they are young (in their 50's). There is no reason in the world he couldn't do this one thing. The war machine can't take it anymore. I think he's falling apart. We all are, actually.
And then there is therapy. For the past couple of weeks there has been a huge internal war going on. Part of me wants to cuddle up next to T and part wants to build the walls taller than ever to keep her out, out, out. Ever since this happened with mother, the builder part has been working on overdrive. If this can happen to mother and her clients, it could happen to me and my own T. Talked to my T Friday about how I dreaded calling mother's clients because I know how I'd feel as the recipient of such a call. She said, "Not everyone would feel like you. For a lot of people this is just something they do." So, of course that makes me feel terrible about my level of dependence. I am a bad, abnormal, and overly needy client. As I was leaving she told me to feel free to call this weekend. Of course I can't. The builder is absolutely frantic now.
poster:Skittles
thread:467306
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/467306.html