Posted by Shortelise on March 20, 2005, at 12:47:44
In reply to Re: dream » Shortelise, posted by Pfinstegg on March 20, 2005, at 11:15:35
Thanks Pfinstegg.
I am beginning * beginning * to digest the idea of termination, beginning to be able to get past wanting to throw a tantrum. My next appointment with my T is in early April, and I have always found that the less I see him, the less I think about him. Missing him heavily last only about a week, then it settles. At times over the past six years, it has returned in waves of loneliness, of need, of all of those things we all know too well. Right now, though, I feel ok.
In that dream, I meant him to think I was going to kill myself - that was why I left all my things in his office. The threat of suicide is a huge manipulation tool with psychiatrists/therapists - they aren't willing to take chances around it. And my mind is so devious that I have found myself wondering what he would do if I killed myself, wondering so much that it occurred to me to ask him. Ha! "If you make me leave I'll kill myself." Nice, eh? I won't kill myself. Spring is here and despite some profound sadness, I'm having a pretty good time.
So, I have to live through this without reverting to trying to manipulate. It will be slow, I will insist on that. I am so curious to see how I'll feel after my next appointment with him. Will all of the hurt return in full force? And I know it's hard for him, that he doesn't like to see me suffer, and he continually explains that a good therapist, like a good parent, wants us to live independent lives.
He has said I can go back as I need to, that he'll be there for me.
What hurts most is a feeling of rejection. It's childish, comes from way deep down in the memory of my heart. My head knows it's not true, but my heart confuses it with memories.
I am glad for your niece that she has been able to crawl through the muck and get on with a good life. It takes courage and a good support system. Something tells me you're a big part of that.
Thanks again.
ShortE
poster:Shortelise
thread:472814
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/473173.html