Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2005, at 16:59:56
In reply to Re: missing my T, but she's right there » Dinah, posted by bent on March 30, 2005, at 14:45:24
It took the first five years of our relationship for me to trust him. I tested the heck out of him for those five years. Not to get him to call back - or at least not mainly. But I behaved very badly, said rude things to him about how I didn't care about him at all and more, called left messages for him to call, then cancelled the message, then called again. I was waiting for him to tell me he wouldn't take me back after one of the half dozen times I quit. After five years, something sort of popped and I began to trust him. I never quit again (except the last time when he didn't notice). It took him another year or two to trust me.
That year or two overlapped with the push/pull of dependency phase. The next little while was my tantruming over wanting to know that he wasn't going to abandon me, and him saying that that was an impossible promise to make and he wouldn't do it. I didn't test him in this phase. I railed and cried. Then he just quit his side of the tug of war, and after falling in the mud a few times, so did I. This was the period of time where the feelings were most intense.
Then came the period of time where I frankly wanted more from him than he could probably give. I wanted him to care about ME, Dinah, not just as a client, but as this particular client. I wanted the third kind of caring in gardenergirl's conceptualization of the therapeutic relationship. This period was also pretty intense in the beginning. I'm probably reaching the end phase of this now - *probably*. There's still some work to do. But I now believe (most of the time) that he cares about *me*, not just an income stream, or not just a client. The intensity is much less now. It's more comfy. I like comfy. There was no real testing as such at this point. Because whatever he gave had to come from him to be worth anything to me. He's recently started bending the therapeutic frame enough to get the message across to me that he does care.
I wonder what the future will bring?
Looking at the surface of it, it would seem that every phase ended with my getting what I want. But I wonder how much that's true? Maybe each phase ended with my seeing that I had what I wanted all along.
poster:Dinah
thread:477611
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050329/msgs/477818.html