Posted by 10derHeart on May 26, 2005, at 22:37:41
In reply to Re: There Was One Thing Said I Didn't Like At All... » Damos, posted by 10derHeart on May 26, 2005, at 0:23:56
Whatever.
I know somehow he's telling the truth, not covering. The truth is a good thing, right? A thing you're satisfied hearing?
Trouble is, I'm apparently so depressed I had a hard time caring about his explanation.
My mind wanted to hear him explain, but the rest of me was whispering, "who cares...who cares....blah...blah...who cares?" It's hard to listen with all that apathy talking :-(<sigh...gathering just enough energy to post...>
He said the termination remark was dry humor. Referring back to a little story I'd told earlier in that session about my ex-T. How that one of his weak points was when he'd - out of blue - start a new topic he felt was important, and do it in such a way I felt condescended to, and like he really must never have listened to me or knew me at all.
I gave an example to illustrate. Told my T. that ex-T., abut 6 months before we both knew he'd be moving away, said all of a sudden, "So, this phase of therapy is called termination. And we need to talk about any parts of it you want to talk about." I told my T. I knew I'd teared up with frustration (the hurt I have at being possibly thought to be *stupid* is a HUGE theme of current therapy), rolled my eyes and said, "Duh! Why do you talk to me like I'm stupid? Like I don't know anything about therapy, or what's going on?!" That I remember at that moment, my ex-T. just talked over me and either never realized (or avoided?) the fact I'd made a comment. Said he'd done that 3-4 times, but that we ran out of time before I was ever relaxed/non-suicidal/brave enough to talk to him about this tendency.
So...the end-of-session remark was supposed to be sort of a "take off" on Dr. X (former T.). By him coming back with - "if you ever want to stop, just let me know, and we'll discuss termination," in a deadpan tone, it was somehow (??) his way of imitating the way he *thought* I'd described Dr. X talking to me that day in the past.
Huh?? Condescending and avoiding does not equate to deadpan and businesslike.
It went right over by head. Once he'd explained a couple of ways, I could see he really was sincere. But, since I hadn't even recalled telling the story maybe 30 minutes prior, I never imagined such a connection. Not to mention the fact he messed it all up miserably, to the point it was unrecognizable as humor.
So, his attempt at this joke sucked so badly it came out as a cold, unfeeling throw-away comment *from him* - NOT some play on words to tease me about my ex-T. T. looked uncomfortable enough that I could tell he realized his attempt blew up in his face, and hurt me to boot.
He acknowledged maybe he'd better not tell any jokes around termination, and that he'd better keep his T. hat on until I leave, and not possibly lose concentration on what's happening.
Okay. <sigh yawn>
Things feel worse and my depression has returned in the form of massive apathy, right when I have tons of things to get done.
Told him all the symptoms of this latest episode, and I felt I was taking to a cardboard cutout :-( Maybe he's also thinking along the lines of who cares? - I don't blame him. I bore myself to death with my useless life and non-problem problems, too.
Sorry. Not a good day, but I thought I ought to force myself to post something. Now I will drag myself back in front of the TV to aimlessly change channels.
I feel like changing my posting name to whocares.
poster:10derHeart
thread:500036
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050521/msgs/503415.html