Posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2005, at 12:17:39
..tomorrow, since I said goodbye/had last session with my former T. I still remember every look, gesture, feeling in the room from that day. Something tells me it's so significant it will be one of those memories that doesn't fade with time, like many others do. I hope not - hurts but I cherish it more than fear the pain...does that make sense?
I can't believe a whole year has passed.
I can't believe I'm doing as well as I am.
I cried myself to sleep last night, reliving it all, and missing him. Yet, overall, I'm okay.
As this day approached, I've kept *checking up* on myself, wondering, "how will I feel? will the painful emotions resurface? will I cry more? be numb? what?" Now, I'm right on top of a significant milestone in time for me, and still unsure what the heck I'm feeling.
Because it seems you can anticipate, analyze yourself (hour by hour even), and compare one separation, loss or experience to another - and still have NO IDEA how you are really going to feel. Emotions are just that way.
Funny when I wrote that, I didn't realize, but it's close to what my ex-T. himself said he's learned about emotions in 16+ years of being a p-doc. I've internalized and adopted a bunch of his *stuff*, no doubt. I like that :-)
I don't know. I'm sad, yet pretty stable and content. As many of you know, I had a gentle and awesome termination with months of email support, and I am still allowed/encouraged to email him any time.
I also have a *new* (uhh...not new any more (7 months), T. who is pretty wonderful himself.
Yes, I know I am twice blessed, and it's like an embarrassment of riches...if I could make this scenario the case for every single Babbler who is/has gone through something much less kind and way more difficult, I would do it! If I had that power....wow! Because, well, it hurts enough when it's done really well.
And I have Babble. You guys...I can't find the words. I was in such severe pain last year, I'm sure I wrote a lot about not making it through losing him, the bond was so strong. Felt like a loss I just couldn't stand. But I did it. Babble carried me a good part of that time.
Still miss him. Now, at this *year mark,* well, it seems like I should break off the contact (it's roughly an email or two every 3 - 4 weeks, sometimes more often, depends on my moods, mostly...) But...he's not telling me to - and he won't. My T. is fine with whatever works, too. I just feel...I don't know, like I should change something. But even now, that's frightening. I want some little piece of him to stay in my life. I don't want to lose him completely just 'cause some arbitrary time period has passed.
I'm committed to my T. now, and I protect that relationship and don't talk with old T. about "therapeutic" stuff (well, almost never) The thing is, I love the man - plain and simple. Wow - it feels good to have a place I can write that down with no fear or ridicule or misunderstanding.
I told him I'd be writing a long email by tomorrow, as I have *reflections* about what it all means at the one-year point. He's told me several times I am so good at reflecting on things, he considers it essential feedback for him to be a better therapist (!) (He's generous with lovely remarks like that!)
But, I haven't been able to write a word. Not that I get too upset, just that there's so much to say....most of which he knows, but I feel like I don't know where to start, or how to do it. Make a list? Ramble on?
Well, I just wanted to post something about what this date means for me. Don't know if I'll have a bigger melt-down in the next day or two, or what.
Tomorrow, I want to do something special for myself...but that sort of honors the previous T. relationship. Haven't come up with anything yet.If you've read this far, thanks. Part of me feels VERY guilty even posting this, as others here have been and are still hurting so badly with bad teminations, etc. But with all the crying last night, I decided I can't push Babble away any time I'm feeling such powerful stuff...I need you all too much...hope I haven't upset anyone.
-- 10derHeart (okay yet not okay...all at once...is that okay? :-))
poster:10derHeart
thread:521533
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/521533.html