Posted by daisym on July 1, 2005, at 1:13:06
I made it through the first week. It was tougher than I thought, probably because this is a horrible week (I knew it would be) and next week doesn't look much better. So many things are happening that I can't fix or make better. And, "hang in there" makes me want to scream because nobody seems to understand how hard that really is. The biggest stress is a disaster at work. Even my husband said tonight, "like it or not, you are now a virtual island. This is falling directly on you and it will probably cost you most of your friends." (because I work with most of my friends.) All I asked him for was a hug and I got his non-comforting synopsis of what is happening and then an hour on how bad all this stress (his job and mine) is for his health. Just in case I didn't feel guilty enough.
It magnifies how alone I feel, because I had opened up to two close friends over the past few months and now those doors are closed again. Which is frightening in some ways. On the other hand, the thought sneaks in that there are now less people that would actually care if I truly can't "hang in there." I keep pushing this thought into one of the back corners of my mind, along with the other waves of anxiety and sadness that come up. Monday at 4:45 and today at 2 were the absolute worse times. Monday would have been when I was ending a session and today at 2 is when I should have been starting. I felt absolutely terrified for a few minutes and had to remind myself that this won't last forever and he is coming back. This morning I went through an hour of being really angry that he left me at such a bad time and that I had let myself get this attached. I vowed to cut back on the frequency of contact until after he gets back from his next week off in September. That way maybe it won't hurt so much or feel like such a long stretch of time. I'll be used to the stretches between visits.
Truthfully though, it is probably just as well that my therapist is away this week. I haven't had time to go to sessions anyway. In fact, I already left a message saying I was tied up Tuesday and Wed so I can't see him until Thursday. So now it's another whole week.
I want to thank everyone again for so much support and good wishes. I hope you all know how important and special you are to me.
And I'll sign this MUCH LOVE
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:521817
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/521817.html