Posted by rabble_rouser on July 1, 2005, at 16:56:41
Hi all,
Wanted to start a thread on approval addiction (AA) hopefully to help others who might be suffering, and to see if anyone else has found useful tools to battle it. I have also done it to kill time this friday night becuase I am bored.
To start the thread I have written the following small novel. Apologies to those on dial up - it could be xmas before the whole thing downloads.
When I first went to my CBT therapist 2 years ago, he stated he felt my issue was AA. As you may be able to guess, this is when a person is literally addicted to the positive comments and attention of others. Equally, they crash when they get a neutral reaction, and they bomb when they get a negative.
They do not have the ability to generate happiness and love for themselves from within, and what's more they don't know how because THEY HAVE NEVER LEARNED TO DO IT FOR THEMSELVES. Just as most people arent born knowing how to do a triple back flip, people arent born knowing how to generate love for themselves - you have to learn. And if you never learn, the concept of self-approval is as alien to you as flying is to a snail - it just isn't in your experience! Suddenly I realised why I felt so damned different to everyone else!
Overcoming AA is particularly difficult because of this. You just aren't aware that there may be another way, and in fact you may (as I did) enter therapy hoping that "if I could just be cured then I would be cool, sophisticated and charming and everyone would like me/ worship me/ want to have sex with me/ love me".
Guess what. Big, fat, vicious circle.
The moment I felt better, I went out and tried to use all this new found confidence and social weaponry to make people see how great I was. But to quote Wayne Dyer (amazing motivational speaker - can get his stuff on limewire etc) , "Those who seek approval the most get the least - and those who seek it the least, get the most".
People will literally smell your need, and IT WILL PUSH THEM AWAY. Bubbye approval. Hello Depression.
So its a paradox huh?
To get it, you've got to not want it.
When I tried to get my head around THAT little riddle, it made me dizzy. Why would I try to get something I don't want? Why would I not want it when its just SOOO vital?
Why does this seem so impossible to someone with an approval addiction?
That's right - BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER SOURCE - that happiness does not come from other people, and it never will. Now don't get me wrong - untold pleaseure can be derived from healthy relationships, ones that promote growth and mutual benefit. But the addict does not grow. They do not allow the other person to grow. If you do not have love inside of yourself, then you cannot give it to another. The first place love comes from is right inside of you.
Now this isnt a religious speil. Learning self-acceptance (which is different to, and I think more important than, self-esteem) is a long, hard battle. I personally have found few targeted therapy exercises for AA. "Feeling Good - The New Mood Therapy" has some good ones.
Let me take you through the process so far for me:
1) BELIEF: Basing my happiness on other's views of me WILL MAKE ME UNHAPPY.
2) BELIEF: Wanting others approval is the surest way of making sure I don't get it.
3) BELIEF: Even though at this moment I may not be aware that there may be an alternative, I WILL ACCEPT THAT THERE IS ANOTHER WAY I CAN FEEL CONTENT - I CAN GENERATE LOVE AND HAPPINESS FOR MYSELF. Even though someone might be responsible for making me this way, IT IS ONLY ME THAT CAN CHANGE IT, AND I CHOOSE TO FORGIVE AND LET GO MY GRIEVANCES TO ALL THOSE WHO MAY HAVE HURT ME.
4) Self-growth, learning new skills, furthering my knowledge, creating things, doing activities on my own (those that I would not have done in the past because someone else might not have wanted to) ... all these things started to give me a little buzz. I started to learn I could make MYSELF happy. Even from dumb stuff like washing up! :s
5) The little buzz grew. I started to become more aware of when I was approval seeking - and I would stop myself. FORCEFULLY make myself relax, lean back and stop 'grabbing' at that approval. Know what? People started 'leaning' towards me! I liked it. I felt approved of. Oh dear - a taste of the hard stuff again! Sh*t I'm an addict!
6) "This isn't gonna be so easy - just when I think I've cracked it, this paradox comes along again! How can I stop wanting approval, and just recognise it as a simple extra little treat? Just the icing, and not the whole cake?"
7) I started thinking about the whole of my life. All of my needs. I found it helpful to look at Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. Suddenly I realised that The Approval of Others is only one tiny little part of my life! A little square on the chart! Doh! I've been spending my whole life only working on that one need! No wonder I'm unhappy!
8) I made a chart in excel, and I scheduled things to do to hit all the other needs in my life. I am doing them.
9) Whilst it is still there, my need for others' approval is diminishing. In fact, I've even being going out and ACTIVELY SEEKING DISAPPROVAL. And blimey its fun! Sometimes the urge creeps up, and I have to try very hard to beat it down. But it passes.
10) Suddenly I'm not waiting to hit a target before I feel happy. Suddenly I'm not waiting for someone to say something good about me before I can feel that glow. I feel happy WHILST IM DOING all these things I'm doing. Is there a chance that happiness is not a destination, a target to be hit, but in fact the day-to-day route that you take?
So this is where I'm at right now. All this knowledge has been hard won, gleaned from many different sources and assembled from my experience. I'm still on the murky path, but at least now it feels like someone has given me a mag-lite and a packet of biscuits to keep me company...
Please do post if any of this makes sense for you - or actually if it makes none at all.
Blue skies
Ross
poster:rabble_rouser
thread:522064
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/522064.html