Posted by Jen Star on July 15, 2005, at 21:23:23
In reply to Lack of punishment/discipline growing up, posted by Deneb on July 15, 2005, at 20:45:23
hi Deneb,
I think some people are just born with certain traits, and they can develop more or less strongly depending on the circumstances. It sounds to me that you had certain tendencies even when little, so it was probably not CAUSED by your family, it was just "in you." It sounds like you have a great desire to do well, to perform well, and to belong to a group. You seem to get very sad and desolate when you don't meet a goal you've set, and you equate setbacks with complete failure. You may be impatient with yourself. These things may just be the way you are, and they probably help drive you to perfection! :)It's possible that those times you felt like ___ yourself, what you actually wanted to do was not to die, but to wipe out the failure, to drive out the imperfections. And your mind wasn't sure how to separate the two things, so you focused on the ___ part. It wasn't so much a desire to cease existence but a desire to be better than you were. Hopefully that's why you never acted on your desperate feelings, anyway.
I don't think you're spoiled at all! It sounds like you just really, really want to do well at everything, and to be nice and kind to everyone, and just to be GOOD all the time. Maybe that's why you get upset so strongly when things DON'T go perfectly.
I think it's OK to give yourself permission to be average, to be normal. It's OK to enjoy life even if it's not perfect. :)
I'm sorry about the box. I know stuff in childhood resonates far into the years! Did you ever get to see it?
I'm sorry if all my "armchair analysis" is way off base. I just see you as a really cool, nice person. I hate to see you being hard on yourself. :)
JenStar
poster:Jen Star
thread:528292
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/528321.html