Posted by Susan47 on July 23, 2005, at 13:12:36
My first husband was one of those men with a lot of secrets. He was a bit mentally unbalanced, and he claimed to have experienced a lot of stuff with women. When I met him he had a display of photos on his bedroom wall, pics of him and his last ex-, who was a bosomy model, some of the pictures were extremely, Very Very seductive poses. He had them up for quite a while before I let him know it was a bit insensitive of him. Then he took them down but he had a lot of them ... and he was emotionally unavailable to every, he lied about things and he withheld; there was a complete imbalance to our relationship that really destroyed me. I became extremely thin and nervous and insecure.
My ex-T terminated me because my transference was too strong. I believe now, with the feelings I'm having about this ex-T, that my transference was really all about this power imbalance. I believe my ex-T could have helped me had he the insight, tact, and willingness to do so. I believe he knows he hurt me badly.. he must, I've said so many times since. He completely cut me off... completely. He said I could write him asking about my therapy, and he would answer, but all he's ever answered is that he won't be my therapist for the reasons he's already given. Which were that my transference is too strong. It's like an endless circle of deceit, he keeps going around and around in this tight little protective circle, and I really resent the hell out of him for doing this. He should know the power imbalance and the effect that can have. He should know to be honest, and he refuses to disclose anything. THe most he's ever said is "I couldn't be objective" .. he said that once. I'm beginning to understand how his self-protectiveness means more to him than anything else. I'm beginning to realize he's willing to have me hurt and go nowhere, in order to maintain his own equilibrium. I'm understanding that he too is a selfish human being and his profession doesn't exclude him from making mistakes; but the mistakes he makes have a bigger impact than most. I realize also that he doesn't want too much responsibility. In many ways he's so much like my first ex-husband, he's acting like him so much, that he actually made my transference worse. Transference that could have been used to good purpose, that could have helped me. Now I'm so totally and completely afraid of this ever happening again that I refuse to see another therapist who could do this to me again. I suffered for years with Brian, my ex-husband, now I've suffered for almost two years with this professional who was to have helped me, whose job was to get at the truth .. I know his type well, he's a poser. He's an actor. He holds doors, and behaves gentlemanly, but underneath it's all "Look at me, world, look at how wonderful I truly am, and I help people, too, I'm a Therapist" ... I was totally taken in by it too. His air of self-confidence got me believing he had confidence in me, too, and that I could be an equal.
But I couldn't.
I never could, and he was the only one who always knew that.
And proved it, in the end.
I want to hate him, but I don't know him well enough to do that.
I believed I was in love with him, but I never knew him well enough for that, either.
The only one who was ever known, was me.
He knew me.
Some part of me that I should've kept secret.
He had no right to know.
Anything.
poster:Susan47
thread:532118
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/532118.html