Posted by Tamar on August 25, 2005, at 18:44:49
I’ve been having a bit of transference/termination trouble the last couple of weeks. I’ve been missing him so much: it’s been five months since I saw his face, or heard his voice. I miss his laugh… I keep thinking I see him and then I realise it’s someone of a similar height and build. I’ve mistaken five men for him in the last two days. I’ve been trying to ride it out, but yesterday I found myself missing watching the back of his head as I walked behind him to his office!
So I figured it was time to reach for my secret symbolic pillar-of-support. He left me a message on my answering machine last October (the only message he ever left). I kept the tape (it was a really old answering machine!) and put it in a drawer in case I ever needed to hear his voice. And all this time I haven’t listened to it: I was saving it for when I felt I really needed it. And I felt I really needed it today.
So I went out and bought a dictation machine that uses the same kind of tapes. And I got my tape out of the drawer and listened to it.
And what I heard was twelve messages from nearly a year ago: my husband telling me he was on his way home and stuff like that. But no therapist. The message wasn’t there. I don’t know how it happened. Did I somehow let the machine record over the message? Did I get my tapes confused? I’ve searched the house and haven’t found another tape from the answering machine. I don’t know how I made the mistake but somehow I screwed up.
All this time I’ve believed I had a small reminder of him: something tangible with which to remember him. And now it turns out I don’t. I feel as if I’ve lost him completely.
Many tears…
poster:Tamar
thread:546656
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050824/msgs/546656.html