Posted by JenStar on September 7, 2005, at 0:41:30
In reply to :( i'm so frustrated / parts so different, posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 23:47:57
Kerria,
Maybe because I don't suffer from it, it's very hard for me to understand the concept of DID or how it's possible to have different parts. I just don't get it. I'm extremely sypathetic and I wish you could improve, but I haven't been there myself.
When I hear you talk, though, it seems to me that your experiences with different moods, wants and personalities hour by hour are not THAT different from non-DID people. For example, you said that you range between loving/hating your T (not your exact words, but I'm paraphrasing); that some of your parts want to go to therapy but others do not; some try and others undermine.
To me, that sounds like conflicted opinions in a non-DID person. Sometimes we all have serious difficulties resolving ambiguous feelings, opposite feelings, or mixes of love/hate, desire/non-desire, strength/weakness, etc. When I'm confused about someone, or see different sides of them, I change my opinion of them based on their most current action and my most current mood. (One example might be a boss - somtimes like him, sometimes I'm p**sed at him. I might even feel BOTH.)
SO many people are chronically late to therapy or other places they're conflicted about going -- Dr. appointments, school, work, or dates with friends they don't really like. The same people sometimes have no problems being on time for things like airplane flights, parties, movies, ferry rides -- the stuff they like! :) But in the end, SOMEONE in there is responsible for making choices and getting around. I think doing the right amount of planning ahead of time could help -- if the busses are late, get up 2 hours early. If you don't know the way, use mapquest or buy a map to help you find another route.
There is always an answer, if you really WANT to be there. I think that blaming it on parts not communicating may be part of your problem -- if you don't take responsibility for ANY of your actions b/c the problems are all due to parts, then you'll never improve...
Kerria, if you're truly incapable of getting places using buses right now due to pain, confusion or other issues, you probably NEED to be inpatient (in my opinion) to help you cope with the stresses of daily life and with your current situation.
But if you're just making excuses because you don't want to go, that's a completely different situation.
I think you shouldn't punish yourself, though, by walking in uncomfortable shoes and waiting for hours, then needing valium to recuperate. If you really don't want to go, just don't go! Be honest with yourself and cancel the appointment. It doesn't seem like you're helping yourself at all by doing a half-way effort and hurting yourself in the process....
I'm also concerned because when I read your notes, I hear a "I've completely given up" attitude. You always say that everything is bad, nobody helps you, people are unkind, doctors don't care, T doesn't care, etc.I think you're at the point where you need to stop being miserable in self-pity and actually do something to help yourself. I know that probably sounds very mean and harsh, and I apologize for it, but I'm worried that if you DON'T try to help yourself instead of just suffering, you'll reach a point where you CAN'T help yourself at all. Does that make sense?
Kerria, I truly DO want to see you get better, and I hope you do. The reason I wrote some of the things is because, above all, I want to be honest here. I don't want to offer false platitudes or phony assurances if I don't really think that way. I don't want to act like I'm thinking it's all OK when I really don't.
I'm extremely sorry if sounded harsh or b****y, because I'm not trying to be that way, and I'm not trying to hurt you. But I think it's important for you to start planning your strategy for getting better, getting to your T on time, finding a new T or pain doctor, etc.
Kerria, I wish you the BEST of luck with your plans. I'm sorry you're in pain, and I hope it improves soon. :)
take care,
JenStar
poster:JenStar
thread:551734
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/551753.html