Posted by cricket on September 15, 2005, at 16:28:34
Well I went to therapy a couple of days ago and it seemed like an incredibly important session.
So please excuse the long post. I just want to get as much as it down as I can because I think it’s good if I can remember it.
It started out as usual. I felt unable to speak. I had two kid alters that were right there.
He started out, “So how was the week?”
I shrug, “Okay.”
“Well that’s vague. Did you go to work?”
He was pulled way back with arms crossed again. Voice was angry.
“No, not the whole week.”
“So, why didn’t you go? What was the problem?”
“I don’t know.” And I didn’t. The part that goes to work almost never goes to therapy and I honestly couldn’t remember why I didn’t go.
“So didn’t feel up to it?”
“I guess not.”
“So what did you do at home?”
“I don’t remember that either.” And I didn’t. I wasn’t trying to be hostile. My voice, was mostly one of the kids, although I was switching back and forth, and it was very low. He had to turn the air conditioner off to hear me.
He asked for one of my alters.
“She’s okay.”
“Not here though.”
“No, not here.”
“The weekend? Do you remember that?” He sounded snide.
I was just distraught at that point. I couldn’t remember anything. I was scared. I was fading away from him and sometimes he tries to pull me back but this time he didn’t.
I think he left the room at that point. He’s done that before (just stepped away for a few minutes) and then come back. Maybe he thinks it will jog me out of my trance.
But then he was there again. Somehow one of those kids got the courage to say “We think you want us to go away because you don’t like us?”
He asked, “Who is us?”
I told him. (Two 9 years olds, I have.)
“So how could I not like you? I barely ever see you.”
Shrug.“So how can I make you feel more welcome?” Still angry voice.
I had already given up. But those kids didn’t. “Just be honest with us.”
“Honest? You don’t think I’m honest. What do I need to be honest about?” He sounded more surprised than angry now.
“Just be honest about whether you like us and be honest in general.”
He was leaning forward, eyebrows raised.
“Can I please talk to Cricket about this?”
I dragged myself there although I still switched back and forth.
“What do you think about this? Do you think I’m not honest?”
“Yeah, I think the kids have a point.”
“Couldn’t their perception be wrong?”
“No, I don’t think so. Not those kids. Some others maybe. But those kids are perceptive.”
Then he was quiet for a time.
“Well what about (and he named another alter I have)? Does he ever yell at them? Get angry with those kids?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“How do the kids feel when he gets like that?”
“They get angry too, and they think he hates them.”
“When does he get angry?”
“Well when it’s time to go to bed and they don’t want to settle down, or sometimes when they want to do something and it’s dangerous?”
“So he yells and gets angry because he wants you to get rest and be safe?”
“Yeah.”
“Why does he want you to get rest and be safe?”
“Because he cares about me.”
“Yes, he does. And I care about you too. I care about you.”
I couldn’t look at him at this point. But I kept on repeating his words in my head. I care about you, I care about you, I care about you.
“My reticence or even my defensiveness, what you see as anger and dishonesty, is really worry and concern. This work is so hard because it’s dangerous. There is so much at stake here. And I see what’s happening in your life and I’m worried. And I know that a lot of what is happening inside you right now is because you come here and try to talk to me and so I really worry.”
That was really enough for me to absorb for one session but then he goes on. “On top of that your life is so difficult. You work very hard at a job you hate in a place that doesn’t treat you well. You have serious financial problems. You have no friends or family. You love your son but he is a lot of work and very demanding. Your husband is more trouble than he’s worth. And then you come here and this makes you even more miserable still. I wish I could fast forward to a time when this might be fun or enjoyable and that frustrates me because I can’t. I wish I could give you that much. Considering what you’ve gone through in your life I know that there is a lot more pain that we have to go through here before this is the least bit fun.”
And then more…
“I wish I could go back to that tiny little girl and give her someone that cares about her, but I can’t do that either and now so much has happened and since you’ve never seen caring it is something that you dread even more than you long for it.”
Then finally he is quiet and I still haven’t looked at him. Then he says, “I wonder how you feel about me.”
The truth is I’m not sure but I think that he took a big risk saying everything he said so I wanted to give him a bit more. After struggling a bit I said, “Well since I’ve been coming here so long and I have told you things (whether it is a little or a lot) that I never even dreamed of telling anyone I think that says that I like you. I think that’s definite.”
Not much but as much as I could handle.
But then I got braver and continued. “But I know how hard it is for me to manage everything that goes on inside of me and it’s all me and what I don’t understand is how you as an outside person can stand to see all of this and understand it and maybe worst of all feel some of what I’m feeling. I don’t understand how it doesn’t make you want to say “Go Away.”
“No, just the opposite. I like you so I want to know you completely. All of your voices, so different and so interesting. Getting to know a person you like brings pleasure. I don’t want any of you to go away. I hope you stay a long time.”
Then finally, he said I could go. But first as I was standing to leave, maybe I staggered a bit, he said, “I am worried. Can you go home? Do you have to go back to work?”
I said I thought that I’d be okay. But he didn’t stand up as I leave, he always does. Maybe he was exhausted too. As I passed by his chair, he did squeeze my hand and that felt reassuring.
So please excuse the horrible length of this. I just wanted to get it all down as exactly as I could remember it. It seemed important.
If anyone is still with me, any thoughts?
poster:cricket
thread:555322
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/555322.html