Posted by fairywings on September 16, 2005, at 8:54:41
Okay, here's a little more of what happened. My T said that my father was a monster, and that it wasn't safe for me to confront all of this until now, which is why all of this didn't come up for me until now. And that in every person or situation where the hurt child inside of me would normally respond to my dad out of fear or feeling threatened, or whatever my dad made me feel, I will see my dad's face superimposed on that person/situation, until I get in touch with that part of me, and take care of her, and relearn how to deal with things (corrective learning experience?). And that I will never be able to bury my dad until I can do this.
And I said, "how do i do that?" And he said, "Don't treat her the way your dad would have treated her!" Well then I felt threatened, I felt like he was abandoning me, and becoming the champion for my child, but i didn't say anything. And then i said, So, how do i get over it?", and he said, "You will NEVER get over it, it will never, ever go away! You have to get in touch with that hurt child, and you have to take care of the child...." and I don't remember what else, because it all became a blur when he said i will never get over it.
Now, here's the cincher, and this is what's so scary, it's something that I can only realized recently realized, after reading that book. I've only admitted it to myself (with great difficulty) and to my husband, and I don't want to admit to my T, I'm not ready to admit it, because if and when I do I'm afraid my world will come crashing down around me. I'm scared to death. And I'm afraid he'll tell my p-doc, and I'm afraid they'll think I'm crazy, and I'm afraid he won't work with me anymore, and it's just so freaking scary, and I can't believe he left me hanging like this! Anyway, when I read that book about getting in touch with your inner child, the one my ex-T recommended, I realized that there are two, maybe 3, but I think 2 children inside of me, I mentioned this in a previous post, one about 5/6, and one about 14/15. The younger one is very hurt, but this is where I'm confused, I"m not sure if there are two because there's one who was very sunny, and outgoing, and happy, and I'm not sure if she's now just depressed and sad, or if it's another whole child, anyway, you might be able to understand why this whole thing freaks me out. I didn't know about any of this until July!
And is all of this metaphorical, or what? I see them in my mind's eye, i interact with them internally which makes me feel crazy, but they don't take me over, they don't take over my personality. this never happened before July. Is it metaphorical? I don't understand, I'm so confused, I don't understand what's going on, and when I asked him, he was SO vague, I think he knew he was freaking me out.
Anyway, the older one is SO incredibly critical of me! Critical of me as a parent, as a person, I eat too much, etc... She talks to me, and she's mature, but she makes me feel bad about myself. I don't like talking to her most of the time, but she parents the other child really well, and is very loving to her. She's mad at me because I'm denying them, but I'm afraid if I start to do that, I'll get so caught up in it that it will take me over. Yesterday, she told me tht last night that it was going to come out.
I do not want to admit all of this to my T, I do not want to have to deal with this at all. Other than self esteem issues, things were pretty much okay before I realized this, and I don't want to open up this can of worms. Is it possible to be aware of this, and not deal with it in therapy, and deal with the other issues, and not get into this stuff? I don't want to be haunted by this. I'm afraid if I open this up I'll feel like I'm walking around with just another dirty secret, and I just can't bear that.
please help me!
fairywings
poster:fairywings
thread:555591
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/555591.html