Posted by alexandra_k on October 5, 2005, at 20:14:25
In reply to Re: thanks everyone » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on October 5, 2005, at 2:17:22
> Sorry you're hurting so much right now Alex, makes me sad too :-(
Aw. I'm pretty much okay... Better to have loved and lost etc. I guess its sadness more than anything else. But its not too desperate or anything. I think... It feels okay to grieve and have a cry sometimes.
> Tell me about her, she's the one who gave you the little wooden box isn't she? No wonder you miss her.Yeah. Thats her. I don't really know what else to say... Except that I miss her a whole heap.
> Even given what you've said about how you were with her, you had confidence in her didn't you? Somewhere deep inside you really believed (whether you showed it or not) and still do that she really knew what she was doing. And you miss that.Yeah... Kind of... She was in her intern year. I remember that the first couple of sessions didn't go so well. I threw a bit of a fit about her being in her intern year (varsity connection) and about her leaving after 8 months (the length of the internship) and about her not having much experience. But that last bit turned out to be a very good thing indeed. Because she didn't judge me so much. Because she didn't have a background of x number of borderline clients to form generalisations from. Because she worked with ME more than my dx. Because she was willing to look outside the CBT box. Because she UNDERSTOOD the theory and conceptualisation behind DBT and she seemed to understand WHY it had to be that way. Because she really applied it in a way that other CBT therapists who had been applying CBT for a number of years... Could not.
> That fact that you've said she was smart and sharp are important too, because you are too, and anybody who is really going to work with you has to be too. They have to be able to work with you at your level.Na, they need to be one step ahead of me! LOL! Actually... It ain't that hard because therapy does get pretty emotionally intense for me, and when things get emotionally intense then rationality typically goes out the window... But yeah, IMO smart is pretty hard to come by these days... And I do need to feel like they understand, a little at least. And that can be hard. I don't know... I never used to think that counted for very much, there are other things, other qualities that are much more important. But communication is really very important. I think the trouble is that... The smart people typically move on from community mental health very quickly indeed... Seems to me like every clinician I've ever got on with has moved on very quickly indeed. But then I have wondered whether thats why we got on. Because they kept thinking 'I only have to put up with her for a couple months' and if its them citing this to themself that allows them to work with me :-( I don't know...
> I think it's also got you bad at the moment because you have come such a long way and she is probably one of the only people who could really appreciate just how far - and would be really proud of you.
Yeah. And she is the only person who believed I could do it. And she is the only person who understands just how important to me it is.
There are others I'd love to tell...
But thats more of a 'YOU TOLD ME I COULDN'T AND I HAVE - SO THERE' kind of thing. The implication being: 'STOP BEING SO F*CKING JUDGEMENTAL AND DON'T YOU REALISE THE DAMAGE THAT DOES AND I VERY NEARLY FAILED BECAUSE YOU F*CK HEADS DIDN'T HAVE ANY FAITH IN ME WHATSOEVER' and so really that would be one big F*CK YOU.But she was different...
> Being forgotten by your current T and then oopsed wouldn't have helped either, because I know from what you wrote on 'Write' that there is stuff going on for you that is behind the 'boulders moving'. Stuff you really need to talk to someone about, someone who can help you make sense of it.
Yeah... But I can't talk to her about that stuff... I don't think she would understand. About her 'forgetting' - I wondered if there was just a touch of 'see how it feels' about that... I was really bad to start with... Over the first 4 or 6 months about forgetting to go. She was always really very good about that. It was hard for me because I was only seeing her fortnightly and was also seeing a p-doc fortnightly... And, well... My thoughts were more with him I guess. And I used to forget about her and our appoitments.
And she said that that was fine because she could do other work if I was a no show anyways. And then she said that once the semester started it would be a little different because she would be booked up a lot more and thus if I forgot I probably wouldn't be able to schedule a new time so I would miss out. And I figured that was fair enough and that might actually help me learn...
But I have been really very good about attending for the last 4 months or whatever. Haven't missed a session since we switched to weekly sessions. But now this... And so I do wonder whether it is a passive agressive way of her venting her frustration or something like that...
And of course I have no right whatsoever to complain because how many times have I done this to her?
poster:alexandra_k
thread:562227
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051001/msgs/563451.html