Posted by rubenstein on October 8, 2005, at 22:29:33
In reply to How therapists think or feel (trigger), posted by daisym on October 8, 2005, at 20:26:17
We are so much alike. I am also a reasearcher and suffer with suicidal ideation. When it is worse I study more. And I have been mulling those same things in my head. Does he resent me. I don't know wy I feel this way. I just do. Sometimes I don't even want to tell him. Last session was good though, it was a crisis session and he said he just hates to see people he cares about in such turmoil. I know he cares. Why can't I just believe it.
rachI've been researching again -- I do this when I'm lost and looking for answers. I spent three hours in the library stacks today at the University, just reading about suicidal ideation and what the current theories are about it. What strikes me is that a lot of the literature talked about how therapist can grow to resent this aspect of their job and the individual patients who pose a risk of attempt or completion. (God forbid we use the word death -- it is a "completed" suicide.) There was one article that talked about how a therapist might go over board to prove caring because they really feel angry and are masking that. So, how do we (the patients) know which is true? How do you know how honest to really be?
>
> The other thing was that there are lots of theories about what suicide and suicidal ideation represents to the patient. Things like "acting out against the therapist" or "trying to gain the upper hand in the power differential" or "getting and keeping the therapist's attention." Is it not possible that sometimes the world is just too hard to live in? That wanting to die might really be about wanting to escape all the bad things -- internally and externally? Why does there have to be some other unconscious motivation? Honestly, it made me feel like I should never admit these thoughts or feelings unless I was in a very dangerous place. I found it very upsetting and I didn't find the answers or cures or whatever I was looking for.
>
> I wish someone would tell me where they are hidden.
poster:rubenstein
thread:564696
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051008/msgs/564742.html