Posted by Tamar on October 14, 2005, at 6:15:22
In reply to My therapist hurt my feelings, posted by daisym on October 13, 2005, at 20:25:03
Daisy, this sounds incredibly painful. Especially after you’ve worked so hard to trust him with things that are so incredibly difficult to say… You’ve been so open and honest about your feelings about the relationship and this must have hurt so much.
> I felt warded off somehow.
I felt exactly that way in therapy once or twice. And that was the closest I’ve ever come to feeling suicidal.
I wonder why he spoke too quickly. Are you curious about that? Do you think he’d tell you if you asked?
And I wonder why he didn’t ask you why you wanted to hug him at that particular moment, and what if would mean for you, when you’ve never wanted touch before (at least, if I understand correctly).
I know you’ve talked about thoughts of other kinds of intimacy and what that might mean for you. But if this was the very first time you actually wanted to reach out and touch him, it seems like a very important thing.
If this was the first time you told him you wanted physical touch, then it sounds as if he missed an opportunity to talk about something very significant. It seems somewhat unusual for him.
> I finally told him that I felt rejected and enormously stupid and I knew what the rules were and had no intention of breaking them.
That was pretty much my private mantra throughout therapy: “I know what the rules are and I have no intention of breaking them.” I was trying to protect myself from the possibility of his rejection.
But there’s a huge difference between *wanting* to break the rules and *planning* to break the rules. We have to be allowed to *want* to break them, even if we have no intention of breaking them. I think that wanting to break those rules is a sign you’re doing therapy right.
> I'm glad he said all that. But the truth remains that I still feel hugely needed, horribly suicidal and lonely and I want what I can't have. And it is very very painful to have all these feelings and no where to put them.
(((((Daisy)))))
I’m so sorry. I do hope things get better soon. When do you see him again?
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:566593
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051008/msgs/566738.html