Posted by fallsfall on November 22, 2005, at 14:21:06
In reply to Dang that fighting to relationship!, posted by Dinah on November 21, 2005, at 23:01:04
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> He seemed so defeated and vulnerable. I called to apologize today and he apologized too. He said he hadn't realized how really tired he had been yesterday, and how that had affected his ability to be there in a therapeutic way, until today when he felt better.*** He hasn't been there in a therapeutic way for a while now.
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> I don't know what's best to do. To continue to grieve and not try to reconnect? Or to stop being so d*mnably passive and start acting like I normally do. Yank him (verbally) into the session if he's not there fully.*** That was never your job in the first place. it is your job to make sure that YOU are there. It is his job to make sure that HE is.
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> He says he hopes to move back to the city by next summer. I'm not really clear if it will be a permanent or temporary move. He says that he doesn't feel like he's moved, exactly, just that he's living somewhere else right now.
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> But relationships can't be put on dry ice until they're more convenient. At least this one can't. We clearly don't have the natural chemistry that allows old friends to meet after years and feel like it was just yesterday. Without nurturing this relationship won't live to see the summer.
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> So do I throw my all into nurturing it, and hope that he does too? Or do I continue down the path that I've already started and grieve its death? Surely it would be easier to grieve now than to start again later. Or maybe the grieving would go on anyway, even if I try my hardest.
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*** You have started the grieving process already. You have decided at some level that he will never again be the therapist for you that he was. That the relationship will never be the same. And it won't. Relationships change as people change. I don't think that you really (OK, I know that you DO really, but in the long term, I don't think that you really) want to go backwards to where you were. You need to move forwards. And you need to decide who will be with you as you move forwards.> I'm so afraid of being hurt by him, and unlike other times perhaps, this time I've got good reason to fear.
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*** You have already been hurt by him.> I want more than anything to fight to relationship. To stay connected at all costs. To fight even if the chances are slim.
*** Because this saves the status quo.
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> But I want to grieve and move on. I delight in every error in judgement he makes that damages the relationship further. I laugh in glee.
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> I can't seem to reconcile what my gut wants, and what my brain wants.
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*** Dinah,I think that you are ready for things to change. But you are afraid to take the steps. If I thought that your therapist was an outstanding therapist, then I might encourage you to see what would be around the corner with him. But you have said that he is not an amazing therapist, you have even said that he isn't really a just good therapist. He gave you something unique that you needed at the time (and at some level you still need, but I think to a different degree than you did before). For that you can be always grateful and always hold a special place in your heart for him. But I think that the chances of him being able to give you what you need to move forward are much slimmer. Not just because of geography, but because I think that you need something that he is not trained to give you.
It is hard to move towards change (boy, do I know that!). It is scary. It is so tempting to retreat to the things we know (like when I took a nap this morning). But you DO know that you are ready for more than what you had. And you need to go after it.
One of the hardest things for me is to know when to STOP fighting for something. I fight to the very bitterest end. Your situation right now feels familiar to me. Maybe because you are fighting past the point where you should be fighting?
The fact that you feel the push to grieve this relationship despite all the things that make you want to hold on to it, speaks volumes to me.
There is another chapter in your life... I'm excited to hear it.
poster:fallsfall
thread:581098
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/581278.html