Posted by daisym on November 30, 2005, at 0:50:26
This is the likely topic of therapy tomorrow. Why? Because I'm back in that horrible place of struggling with my feelings of attachment for my therapist and how confused they are among the various parts of me.
Over the weekend I had a very tough time missing him. This hasn't happened this bad in a while. And I struggled with it -- hating that I was feeling the separation anxiety so intensely, wanting to call and make sure he was out there but not wanting to call and bother him. I was so frustrated that on Saturday I called and said I thought that we needed to cut back on sessions, that I wasn't in crisis anymore, so I probably didn't need to come as much as I had been. And I rattled on about how busy I was this week, etc. and added OH "you don't have to call me, we can talk about it Monday." So he didn't call. By Sunday afternoon I was really a wreck - so I left a sad little message that said "please don't give away my spots next week, I didn't mean it." And of course then he called to see what was going on. It was hard to tell him how I felt, I thought I was passed this. But he made me feel better and told me it really was OK that I had called. And on Monday we talked about the flair up of these feelings and my struggle with them. I don't know what set them off, and it feels like two distinct things. The little kid parts of me are sad and needy and clingy. The adult part is jealous of his time and experiencing longings for his kindness and understanding IRL.
I asked some really hard questions about how he REALLY feels about the work we are doing...Does he shake his head and sigh when I leave each time? Does he hate hearing the stories? Is this scary for him -- how intense these feelings are? Is this boring for him, has he dealt with it a million times? Is he angry about me being needy? And on and on.
He handled each question gently, not only answering it but trying to explore what I thought and why I was asking. Ultimately the whole conversation came down to inflamed fear of losing my therapist - and trying to be perfect so that this didn't happen. I couldn't explain why this was so intense again. He said we didn't have to have all the answers right now, we just needed to keep talking about it.
So today we picked up the conversation. He asked me if anything had happened on the boards over the weekend to set all this off. I quickly said no, but then said well actually there were a variety of things being discussed that I didn't think were worrying me, but perhaps they were part of this. 1) Dinah's situation is a reminder that we can't control the universe and things do happen to therapists. 2) Tender's situation highlights that boundaries sometimes have to change for the good of the therapy but those changes can come without warning and be painful. 3) There is a situation on another board I belong to where a client went to the restroom after her session and overheard her therapists talking on the telephone about her, saying that she had just heard the most awful things and wished the client would just quit. Of course the client is devastated. 4) There has been a lot of discussion on both boards about feelings for therapists, love and lust, and cautions about the fact that these feelings aren't real, or that they are disrespectful or that they are dangerous.
Of course he wanted to know if he had done something to send me signals that he was frustrated or upset with me in anyway. And he hasn't, as far as I can tell. And we talked about all the situations I was reading about and the fears they brought up for me. When we got to the one about feelings for therapists, I asked him why was it OK for me to love him? To me it feels presumptuous, and ridiculous and dangerous...and yet painfully real. And sometimes it is little kid love and sometimes it is teen-crush type feelings. And I told him that even though these feelings could be painful, I didn't want him to take them away. Meaning, I didn't want how we work together to change. And the biggest question I had was what happens if loving feelings turn into sexual feelings? How do we talk about that? And I said, "You won't hurt me right? You'd never let me (us) act out those sexual urges...it is safe in here, right?" And I said I hope he wasn't offended by that question.
He had lots to say about love in therapy and why it was OK. And he promised he wouldn't transfer me because of these intense feelings. And he said it was absolutely safe to explore all my feelings, including any sexual ones that emerge because he would not respond to any conscious or unconscious seduction. He really emphasized how important it was for me to feel secure and he said it was good that I checked it out with him.
We still have lots to talk through because I'm still terrified of how I feel and I'm really worried about the "poof" disappearance possibility -- where are the lines that will push him away? How much need is too much need? What will I do with the separation anxiety again?
And mostly -- unconscious seduction?! How will I know I'm doing this? And what will that say about what I want? And will THAT be too much for him to handle? Has anyone had experience with this?
I'm sorry this ended up being so long. Feels like too much to handle right now.
poster:daisym
thread:583595
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/583595.html