Posted by Daisym on February 23, 2006, at 1:54:04
Last night I packed up all my books on trauma, abuse and recovery and put them in a box. I took the box with me today to therapy. I joked as we walked down the hall that I was moving in. He joked that those were some hefty journal pages. I set the box down, slid the lid open, plopped down on the couch, crossed my arms and said, "Books. I don't want them anymore. You can keep them, burn them, give them away. But I just can't deal with them. There are too many views on how to recover and I don't feel like I ever will. I'm sick of trying so hard to get over all this, sick of being stuck in the middle of it and tired of reading about all the courageous people who have managed to heal." I bet there were 20 books in that box. I told him books had never failed me before, I'd always been able to find the answers I needed in books.
He was really surprised...asked me what I had been looking for in them. What were the questions they had failed to answer? I started to list all those questions but kept coming back to "why?" "Why did this happen? How could these things have been done to me?" And then I burst into tears and announced I hate my dad. And I love him. And it is a terrible thing to love and hate someone so much.
We talked a lot about reclaiming myself by allowing the anger to settle on the right person. How finally I'm giving up the good dad/bad daisy scenario and moving to the bad dad/little daisy truth. But it is really hard and painful. I sort of quietly raged and cried the whole session.
At the end he asked me if I was sure I didn't want the books. I said no, I was sure. He asked about keeping just one...a favorite maybe. This is when I grinned sheepishly and admitted to keeping two - My own favorites. And we talked about what those were and why I wanted to keep them. I said that both writers had strong attachments to their therapists and were OK with that. He smiled and said good. Keep those. And maybe bring them in to read from if I want.
So he will take care of the books for me. I did apologized for just dumping them on him. I'm glad he didn't make me bring them home again though. Enough is enough.
poster:Daisym
thread:612339
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060211/msgs/612339.html