Posted by gardenergirl on February 24, 2006, at 16:21:38
In reply to Re: Separation anxiety » Annierose, posted by All Done on February 24, 2006, at 13:04:28
> Even though he was so accepting and receptive, I have a hard time believing it wasn't horrifying for him to hear. And I wondered if I put him in an awful position of having to come up with a response that wouldn't hurt me. I'm afraid I may have insulted him by questioning his authenticity. That said, I do trust him to be authentic. I just have such a hard time *accepting* it from him when it's any kind of positive regard for me.
I'm so glad you posted this. Just yesterday I had one of those sessions where I just talked around a lot of things. In part it was because I was still pretty sick. I told him upfront that my brain wasn't capable of handling intellectual stuff easily and I didn't want to get all emotional, because, well, I had enough congestion and yuck without getting all crying/snotty. (sorry for overshare...I tried to tone it down. Really I did.)
Anyway, I said something about wanting to maintain the connection to him even if I dind't feel like doing therapy that day. I had to reschedule my appt. from Monday to Thursday because actually we were both sick on Monday. And I didn't want to just wait til next Monday. Sigh. As soon as I said this, I started to cry. I really couldn't get to what exactly I was feeling. I know I work very hard to protect myself from whatever that feeling is. I consciously and unconsciously do this. I just don't like to think about my feelings for him in anything but superficial ways.
And I think what you wrote about fearing he was horrified and worrying that he had to struggle for an acceptable reaction...I think I worry about that, too. When he asked me why I was shying away from it, the first words out of my mouth were, "Fear of rejection." That sort of felt right, but it also felt too simplistic. I think your description of wanting to believe him to be authentic, but sort of twisting it yourself...that feels more like it with me, too. He did say once before that I seem to have a very hard time with "experiencing someone (him at the time) caring for me." I wish I could remember what he had said that was caring. D'oh! But I do remember almost immediately minimizing it and being self-deprecating.
Why do you think we have trouble with accepting that someone can care about us? And is there an "ick factor"? I know I actively run away from any "icky" thoughts/feelings related to my T. And I tell myself they aren't really that big of a deal, almost like I'm imagining them or it's just a fluke. (And really.....they're no big deal....right? Bah! See GG run away!)
It's so darned confusing. I know how hard this has been for you, and I want to join the others in saying, "Good job!" As Emmy would say, La La gets a biscuit!
And thanks for helping me think through some of my dilemma.
And btw, N is a very lucky little boy. His mommy loves him and makes sure he knows it.
(((((AllDone)))))
gg
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poster:gardenergirl
thread:612789
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060211/msgs/612864.html