Posted by Daisym on March 8, 2006, at 0:49:48
Dear "X":
Today was a really hard day. I'm sorry for that. I feel so out of control.
Therapy has been so intense lately and I know I've been nothing but a brat. I get upset at the smallest things and you can't step right or left without my toes being in the way to crush. I'm underfoot, clinging, emotionally demanding and impossible to please. I cry all the time, threaten to cancel sessions, come late, want to bolt early and leave stupid voice mail messages telling you how wrong everything is, and then leave another telling you I'm sorry for leaving the first one. And then I turn off my phone so you can't call me back.
I watch myself do all of this and I can't seem to help it. I just hate it. You tell me to be honest but I hate that honest means being upset with you. You tell me you can take it, but I'm terrified all the time that you are going to get angry and push back. It is a push/pull, go away/please stay, I love you/I hate you feeling. Your answer is "keep coming and we'll talk about it." Your answer is that "we have to go through this, together, to get to the healing side." Your answer is "this is a journey we are on and sometimes we'll get lost but we will find our way." Your answer is "trust me."
I'm trying. I really am. So please don't leave me even as I push you away. Please don't leave me even when I say I don't need you. And don't leave me when I tell you you are making it all worse. I'm just so angry right now.
But I'm trying.
I really am.
I'm just hurting.
I still need you.
Please, don't leave me.
Thanks...daisy
I wish I could send this. I wish I could fix this. I wish I felt safe again. :(
poster:Daisym
thread:617346
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060225/msgs/617346.html