Posted by Racer on March 8, 2006, at 18:30:13
Since, as y'all know, I only have the one thought per day... {rolls eyes}
In therapy today, we were talking about self-esteem, and about the part of me that really is OK. We started off with the whole thing about last week's math test. I went over my answers three times before turning it in -- in part because I did NOT want to be the first one out, since the teacher kept telling us it wasn't a race, and I was still the first one out -- and then walked out and IMMEDIATELY said to myself, "I should go back and go over the answers one more time." And all weekend, there was a little devil in me, saying, "You should have gone back over everything One More Time."
But through all this, there was also the part of me that said, in an authoritative tone, "You checked your answers, and found a few mistakes. Once you corrected them, you went over your answers again. And then, just to use time and not be first out, you went over the answers AGAIN. Going over the answers one more time would not have helped, because this is just anxiety -- it's not about the test." Just like the same part of me says things like, "Yes, I do knit well, and I knit well because I am willing to take risks with what I do, and I have the confidence that it'll be OK." And can even point out parts of my body that I like, despite the whole eating disorder/body image thing.
But, somehow, it feels kinda as if I have to be able to balance all those positives with negatives. If I like, say, my fingernails -- then I have to hate my thighs that much more. If I feel good about having worked hard in that math class, I have to feel equally bad about something -- maybe that I think I'm careless, or lazy; maybe that I haven't worked nearly as hard in my other class. (For which, by the way, the midterm is tomorrow, and I'm freaking out, very quietly, about that...)
It might just be Recovering Accountant Disorder -- everything has to zero out. But I'm inclined to think that there's something pretty fundamental about it. Can anyone else relate?
poster:Racer
thread:617664
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060225/msgs/617664.html