Posted by Racer on March 18, 2006, at 15:19:34
In reply to Re: Who would you be without your psychopathology? » Racer, posted by fairywings on March 18, 2006, at 14:32:42
I think we're on different pages on this, and it's such a befuddling thing for me that I really want to hear what you'd say. What I was hoping for was who you would be once that happened? Do you know?
I'm very ambivalent about giving up my identity as anorexic -- despite being at a normal weight right now, that's still how I feel. Part of me wants to give it up, because it just takes so much time! Part of me wants to give it up, because even though it's how I identify myself, I still don't want other people to know. (Isn't that telling?) But even though there are those parts that want to be done with it, there is also a big part of me that needs to hold on to it, and part of that is that I'm afraid of who I might be without it. I don't know who that is. I don't know who I would be without this piece of me.
And the anorexic part of me is so caught up in that whole Calvinistic belief system I grew up with -- If I'm not hungry, it's because I've given in to gluttony; if I'm not slightly chilly, I'm being self-indulgent and wasteful by turning up the heat too high; if I am relaxed, I'm not working hard enough. All that fits so well with anorexia, that it's probably no wonder I am as I am. I guess I'm afraid that, without the anorexia to help me maintain (and prove) my drive and energy and self-control, I'll be revealed as a sluglike, miserable, useless, failure of a nothing.
Man -- that was hard to write. Guess I hit a nerve there.
Anyway, if you did get rid of all that baggage, all the headaches, fears, stresses, anxieties -- who would you be, on your fairy wings?
poster:Racer
thread:621456
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/621681.html