Posted by milly on April 19, 2006, at 13:10:11
In reply to Re: frightful row, posted by muffled on April 18, 2006, at 22:36:21
***I've been taught that it is the job of US people to express Gods love. Where was hubby?
~~I think alot of people tried to show God's love but I pushed them away. I wasn't well and I was convinced that what I was doing (which ultimately led to the exposure of the abuse and child porn)was what God wanted me to do but when I tried to explain this to people I thought would understand there was talk of sectioning me! Ok I may not have gone about it in quite the right way but I thought 'they' would get it, support me etc but instead they just kept telling me to behave etc before I 'made myself ill' or got into real trouble (managed both anyway!)
> Didn't Jesus say something like 'why have you forsaken me?' or some such thing when He was on the cross?
~~Good point and boy did I feel forsaken!
> Gods just weaving you into who He needs you to be. Not all easy. Jesus wept tears of blood.
~~Ok tears ++ that is the first time anyone has got anywhere near my heart on this, thanks
> This world is fallen and so full of evil. God gave us free will and us humans have gone wild with it.
~~ I'd just managed to walk back through the doors of church (somewhat changed from who they knew before) and we are told that the minister before us is being charged with raping an under age boy, child porn, grooming etc. How can that hypocrisy be so? and he lived in our house so again I'm facing saftey issues in my own home. I'll never escape it.
> Do you have an inside child? Listen to her if you do.
~~ I think I do, there was alot of talk about this small child lost behind a curtain in T and on the last session a huge resentment that 'big milly' wouldn't shut up! T asked 'little milly' what she wanted to do and it was very strong that she wanted to run away to a big open beach and hurl rocks in the sea and scream until she could scream no more and be held by T incase she exploded.
> So sorry you have lost your faith at this time. God will always be faithful. He is with me and i just don't understand it????????????
> OK sermon over..... ;-0~~ Sermon appreciated and powerfully put, I just don't understand that the one time I needed Him to be present I felt abandoned.
> > > However, I am making the large assumption that you DO love him. Mebbe you don't?
> >
> > ** Ok that stung! I DO love him, he is a good man he deserves better than me, everyone thinks the sun shines out his *ss and must be a saint to cope with me!
>
> ***OMG! out his *ss!!!!!!!!You-the preachers wife!!!!!!ROFLITIPMP!!!!!!!!You my kinda lady! LOL!!!!** well you can see why him & church are having such a hard time with me! What is ROFLITIPMP?
> And by the by, he DON'T deserve bettern you. Thats just putting yourself down. He's lucky to have you. I'm quite sure hubby is not perfect himself.......he may go wild one day....who the hell knows?????
~~No he's not perfect
>
> but during therapy it became apparent that alot of my 'love' is based on gratitude. He knows nothing of the rape, he believes I was 'pure' but I honestly thought it was tatooed on my head and so when he asked me to marry him i jumped at it as I was so amazed that anyone would want 'damaged goods'. Also I though for once my M&D would approve of something about me!
>
> *** does he know now???????????????????~~nope he doesn't but then again it was well buried until unearthed in therapy even I didn't *remember* it, which is why time limited therapy s*cks because the sewer was dredged up and now I am left alone coping with the floating sh*t!
> And you are not damaged goods any more than I was used merchandise. Thats just negative b*llshit.
> This where I started to wonder if you loved hubby or not, thats why I asked, cuz I didn't want to assume you did.
> I never saw no mention of you caring for him.....I'm sorry if I shouldn't have said that :-(~~No you should have said it and I'm grateful that you did it was just a bit of a wake up call!
***Yeah, thats goto be hard. I been living all my life feeling I a leper exuding badness, go figger.
~~I know it is so hard to believe yourself to be anything else but when i read your posts I KNOW that your not that.> I'm glad your discovering yourself. To me you seem to be a very cool person.
~~Thanks> What did your T have to say about your hubby not knowing about the rape?
~~ well as I said it was all abit of a shock to me to discover it, i told no-one at the time and just went into denial even though I contracted VD from him!
> Why doesn't he know?
> Its not your fault.~~ It still feels like my fault, I challenged him over a work issue ( it was actually how little respect he treated the patients in the psychiatric ward where I was working) and he vowed to teach me a lesson. Which he did! (but it never stopped me saying the truth)
> You were assaulted.
> If he's religious and all, he should be into mercy and kindness you might think? Bound to be a shock if you not told him. But then mebbe it'd proly be more about the not telling than about the assault itself.~~ yeah, but what will it acheive?
> I hope I'm not messing you up somehow. Just giving my oftentimes stupid opinion, but mebbe it'll stimulate some thot....?
~~NOT stupid.
> Anyhow, sorry its hard. I guess it must be hard for our hubbys as we change and go thru our 'stuff' :-(> You great ((Milly)),
~~ You greater! ((((Muffled))))
~~Thanks,
Milly
PS I took him for lunch and tried to explain how VERY important babble is to me and also that I love him very much, things are better (he's even just brought me a coffee whilst I post! acceptance I think)
I honestly believe they wouldn't have been without your help.
poster:milly
thread:633909
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060406/msgs/634799.html