Posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:40
In reply to Dinah, are you okay? (nm), posted by Poet on May 16, 2006, at 9:32:00
I'm not really ok.
I'm self injuring a bit, and isolating a lot.
Our offer was accepted, and there are all the issues around that and things that need to be done. Work has had zero done on it since I was panicking last week. I just can't concentrate. I am hating myself.
I recognize, really recognize that my therapist hasn't been what I needed since Katrina, and that my son's school hasn't been what it used to be since Katrina, and that really nothing has been as it should be, and that likely none of it will be what it should be for a very long time. Yet when I found out the offer was accepted I cried all day despite megamedicine and a bit of rum.
My therapist and I have been having some really deep and touching talks, where he's finally admitted and regretted what's happened and expressed his own pain at losing me as a client. Which may not be textbook but really was what I need. It's been beautiful really, except that the next session we seem to have the same conversation because he doesn't seem to have remembered.
And he's so focused on the move that he's missing my cries for help, no matter how direct and articulate, and I'm escalating into more action because of that. But you guys are the only ones I've told that to. So as a cry for help my physical acting out isn't very effective.
I don't want to move, I don't necessarily want to stay. I'm failing badly at work, but can't bring myself to admit it. Maybe I'm hoping that I'll be fired, although that would be a disaster. Everything's crashing in my well constructed stable world.
Yeah, I know I've never been stable, but I've compensated by creating an almost pathologically stable world around me. I've lived within five or six miles of where I live now, all my life since I was four. I've been with the same guy for over a quarter of a century. Had the same job for nearly 25 years. Lived in this house for fourteen years, since we married. And I've had the support of my therapist (until last September) for eleven years.
Without that external stability my internal instability is taking over.
Dinah isn't Dinah at all right now. I can't be supportive, and I'm boring myself with posting about the same things all the time. I'm even turning off instant messaging most of the time, for the same reason.
I need a drink. I really need a drink.
poster:Dinah
thread:644590
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060505/msgs/644685.html