Posted by Racer on July 12, 2006, at 23:46:13
In reply to Support vs. Enabling - a dicey concept for me, posted by Glydin on July 12, 2006, at 8:38:14
I'm facing a situation in my real life like that -- is responding at all reinforcing the behavior? -- and it's quite upsetting. I don't know the answer, but I'm working on setting boundaries.
For instance, I choose whether or not to answer the telephone (thank you, Caller ID!). If I have time and energy to listen, I answer.
I have chosen to be fairly honest, not to offer sympathy (I think this is a bit of a sympathy junkie), to express my unwillingness to listen to absurdities, and to reiterate certain pieces of advice, no matter how little they're attended to, simply because they are my authentic reactions. "If you're not noticing a difference now that you've stopped your drugs, that's not a sign that you don't need meds so much as that those weren't the right meds." "If he's abusive, why do you want to move in with him? You can't have it both ways, and you know that he is abusive." "It may be accurate to say that GWB was appointed by the Supreme Court, but when an intake worker at a psych ward asks who the president is, it's still wise to say GWB, rather than being clever." Et cetera.
On the other hand, no matter what I do, no matter how firm I stand at my boundaries, I still feel HORRENDOUS about it all. I still feel as though I'm not doing enough, that if only I would step in and come through and be Good Enough, this would improve. So, feelings won't necessarily keep up with behaviors.
Online? I've gotten frustrated in some cases by the sort of thing you're describing. I try to check in with myself, "Am I feeling frustrated when I take the time to answer, and my input is not acknowledged? Am I feeling upset when that happens? If so, do I have the strength to be upset by it right now?" If the answer to the last one is no, and the answers to teh first two are yes, then I try to step back. But when I do, I also try to SAY something about it. "I've answered you in the past, and I feel frustrated when I see you ask for the same thing again. Therefore, to avoid feeling frustrated, I choose not to respond to you right now."
I don't know if benign neglect would be helpful, but letting someone know that you're making the choice not to respond might...
Hope that helps. I'm feeling a bit incoherent today...
poster:Racer
thread:666297
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/666577.html