Posted by wishingstar on July 13, 2006, at 20:52:10
In reply to wanting to give up therapy... long, posted by wishingstar on July 12, 2006, at 16:23:04
I finally have it "together" enough tonight to hopefully make a coherent response.. thank you again everyone for the kind responses and support. I cant even tell you how much it helps. Last night I cried harder than I'd cried in years. I didnt know I had it in me. Therapy shouldnt make me feel worse about myself...
I'm going to try to respond to everyone in a mass comment.
You all are right, I do need to clarify the calling thing with Anne. She did say she'd do a phone session if I paid her, which I'd be willing to do.. but I think I'm just too angry and too hurt right now to deal with her in any form but in person. I need to be able to see her and see her react. Plus, the phone is (obviously) a very scary and hard thing for me right now. I cant trust it with her. What is happening with Anne hurts just as much, if not more, than what Laurie is doing... mostly because I've been with Anne longer and trusted her to care about me. The feeling of being dropped and abandoned by her mirrors my experiences growing up exactly.Everything Laurie is saying is hard. 3 weeks ago, I had only 1 thing that was really comforting to me.. I'd say to myself, "you are who you are no matter where you are or what you're doing" or something similar.. it helped me to focus inward and pull out some strength. I was able to feel proud of who I was inside, at least to some degree. In 3 sessions though, that has been completely wiped out. It doesnt work at all... it actually makes it worse. I feel completely worthless and hate myself for the things Laurie has pointed out. If I really do all the things she suggested, and havent realized it... well gee, no wonder I have such trouble with relationships. I cant help but think that I really just need to drop off the face of the earth.. it feels like there's no other good option. (I'm not actively suicidal, just hurting). I know it may not be true, but it sure feels true now.
Antigua, I like the idea of the butterfly garden. To be honest, I think that many butterflies might freak me out a little bit, but I can imagine it might be nice once I got there. I really value my personal introspective time and that sounds like it could be very peaceful. I live right near the DC area, so there must be one local.. I'll definitely look into that.
I want to thank everyone who said I dont sound manipulative and similar things. Deep down, I dont FEEL manipulative, most of the time anyway.. even when I try to look at it objectively. I've only seen Laurie for 3 weeks now and I need to keep in mind that she doesnt know me as well as she thinks she does. I have a history of SI that she didnt know about until a few weeks ago (even though I've seen her in the past for therapy) so that may have been what made her jump for the BPD label. But even if it is true, I just hate that she cant hear anythnig I say outside of the diagnostic categories. But if she's so sure, why is "adjustment disorder" listed on my receipt? (Adjustment to what, anyway?) But aside from that logical stuff, it's hard. It's still possible she's right, and Annes ignoring behavior seems to reinforce that for me.
But I'm not crazy, right? :( Rhetorical question there.
I did call Laurie and leave a message last night. It sounded something like this: "Hi Laurie, I know I shouldnt be calling and that you'll say it's manipulative, but I just have to get this out because it'll be hard for me to say next week. I feel like you're pushing way too hard and trusting that I can take way more than I really can. I'm sorry if that sounds manipulative but I just had to say it. I dont expect you to call me back. See you next week."
That sounds completely honest and non-manipulative to me, but I'm sure it'll be "wrong" somehow. But I figure at $75 an hour (and that's the reduced rate!) I get to choose what I want. I guess there's a little bit of anger mixed in with all this hurt.. heh.Going to respond to a couple of the responses individually as this is getting too long and confusing for me.
poster:wishingstar
thread:666420
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/666867.html