Posted by Daisym on August 25, 2006, at 0:32:45
Today was a good session. I felt good. He smiled a lot. We were connected. It hasn't been this way for a while.
I've been struggling for a few weeks, feeling that something was different, that he was less available and closed off. I felt rejected and left out. So I acted out - I "forgot" a session, I left messages and then turned off my phone to avoid the return calls and I tested and tested and tested him to see if it was true. Finally, I just pulled back on Monday and refused to talk to him about anything important and I kept saying, "I'm fine." He didn't buy it and finally at the end of the session he poked in the right place and I sort of exploded out at him.
He said, "It doesn't feel good when you go away and I don't know why. I don't like it when we can't talk."
Me: "No, this doesn't feel good. But something is wrong. YOU aren't talking to me, at least not directly. I feel like the world's biggest pain in the a&& and I think you are sick of me."
Him: "I don't experience you that way. I'm not sick of you."
Me: "I think you are wrong. If you tune into yourself and really look at it, you will see that you are saying and doing all kinds of things that suggest that you are."He wanted concrete examples but we were out of time. On Tuesday he asked for the examples and I gave him a few. Nothing huge, but subtle enough changes in his usual style and word choices. He got quiet and very thoughtful. And then he said he wasn't going to tell me but that there was something going on in his personal life that had nothing to do with me, but it was taking up more of his time and emotional energy right now. And he said he thought he was keeping it out of sessions, but obviously he wasn't, at least not with me. He said he was concerned about me holding back, taking care of him but he was also concerned with my level upset.
Boy did I feel stupid. And selfish. And a bunch of other, unattractive things. Like the world revolves around me - sheesh! But -- I was relieved on another level that I was right. I wasn't crazy or making things up. He said something about my ultra-radar -- and he is right. I think scanning is part of the legacy of abuse. It took a couple more sessions for me to stop crying and for us to sort out what it means about how we work together. I felt like my safety net was gone. And I felt helpless to offer him support for what he is going through.
And then yesterday, as I was leaving he stopped me and asked about suicidal feelings -- was I having any over all of this? I said, "Maybe" and he got real serious and said we needed to talk about these. That he wasn't unavailable to me and I wasn't allowed to hide this. I left in tears.
And then last night I had the most bizarre dream:
My family was having a meeting at a Boardwalk of some kind. There was a carrousel at the end and lots of noise and chaos. We couldn't get anything done. Someone notices my sister is missing and lots of yelling starts. A therapist arrives to help sort all this out - it is Monk's therapist, from the TV show (my therapist laughed at this)-- and he gets people to calm down. I can't remember much else but suddenly the dream shifts and he (the therapist) is walking me into his office which is a giant room with a swing in it. I have to sit in the swing and he stands behind me, guiding the swing around the room. My job, he tells me, is to sway with the music, which is very soothing and I realize the songs are lullabies. He pushes the swing and it gentle goes forward and I begin to catch the music and sway. It felt so peaceful and so good.
I woke up and just laid still a little while, thinking about how nice it felt and how great it was to have a peaceful dream. But I couldn't make head nor tails of it -- I actually don't like swings very much. My therapist had lots to say about this dream but I'll leave that out for now and wait and see what you guys think.
Anyway, today there were more tears, but good ones. I told him that I felt like I'd lost him this week and then found him again. And that I could, for now, believe that he can stretch enough to still be there for me. I asked him why he asked yesterday about feeling suicidal. He said it flashed in his brain and he felt compelled to check in. It is scary how well we read each other without words. I told him that by his asking that question, I felt known. And in being known, he made it OK -- I knew he was still tuned in enough to be there for me. And I truly loved him for that. And that part of me can be quiet now and doesn't need to test him to see if it is true. Because he offered it, I didn't have to ask for it or demand it.
I know this got long but I keep thinking about Dinah's post about fighting to relationship. Or fighting to keep the one you found. It is so worth it -- though I'm sure I'll doubt it again in the future. But right now, I feel like I can at least face the weekend.
Comments? I'd love to hear what you guys think about the dream.
poster:Daisym
thread:679859
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/679859.html