Posted by ElaineM on September 2, 2006, at 11:27:40
In reply to Re: empty » ElaineM, posted by sunnydays on September 1, 2006, at 21:25:36
sunnydays,
It didn't hit me before but I think you're so right. Even just hearing a female voice say "t things" again is painful. Both she and LadyDoc were in the back of my mind because of all the questions she kept asking. During the interview, I was able to finally say that I've lost my doctor because she only works in the univeristy too -- I didn't say her name though because she's so well-known at the school. But I also made sure that the counsellor ( CC) wouldn't search her out once she knew where she worked. But she also wanted to know about the ED -- and I had to keep alot of it hidden. I didn't even mention LadyT because then there would be a possible clear path to my T now. So I didn't mention about being in the hospital, and hid how seriously I've been sick before. Even the act of hiding her made me think of her more -- and how, if I was only still with her, none of this would be happening.
But also cause CC was nice. And it's been awhile since I've spoken to a woman in person. But one thing I didn't expect was that hearing her say the normal T phrases: the "I understand" mhhmmm's, all the positive affirmation, mirroring... It felt hurtful. ??? As though she were saying nothing instead of something. It felt dissmissive or cold, even though that's how LadyT used to sound. I don't understand. How my T now speaks to me now is not always right-feeling -- but this was not right-feeling either. Nothing will ever seem just right anymore -- either too much or too little.
Thankyou for saying you are proud -- I still don't see it as anything worthy of pride though. It's easy to be a suck and complain and be a big-mouth. It's harder to be strong enough to adapt to less than ideal situations. But I read your reply last night before I went to sleep and it made me feel a little better.
EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:682157
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/682274.html