Posted by wishingstar on September 8, 2006, at 11:37:37
Well here it is... just when I thought things couldnt possibly get worse. I hadnt even THOUGHT of this.
I was supposed to see Laurie today. The really great T from my parents city that I saw over the summer. I woke up at 5:45 this morning, got ready, and drive 2 hours to see her for a 10am appointment. I've been counting the days (hours, minutes...) until seeing her again. It's been 3 1/2 weeks because I moved back home, then she was on vacation... and I'm only able to see her Fridays, because all the other days I'm busy at home and cant take the time to come see her. But I had an appointment today.
I got there and waited a few minutes, then another girl came in and knocked on Lauries door to say she had arrived. Usually people dont knock, just wait in the waiting room. Meanwhile, I'm freaking out... who could she be? It must be just a drop-off or something right? Then a minute later Laurie came out and told her to come in. The way the waiting room is shaped, she didnt see me waiting there. I didnt say anything. Maybe I should have.
I went back out to be car and cried. I needed to see her SO badly. I've needed to see her for 3 weeks. Considered moving the appt up and missing classes for it but was determined to make it until today.
I called and left a voice mail and said I thought we'd had an appt, and to call me.
She called back around 12. I didnt answer. I heard it ring, so I dont know why I didnt.. I just didnt. She left a message and said that she had a client at that time and didnt have me on her schedule for today, or even at all. But she said that if I have a card with the time on it (she writes the appt times on her cards) to show her and she'd make it up to me. I DO HAVE THAT CARD! It has been on my bulletin board right by my desk since the day she gave it to me. We had discussed at the last appt whether to make another appt or wait for me to call, but I know (obviously) we'd decided to schedule. I know we did. In the message, she gave me the appt times she has open for next Friday and Wed. NO. That isn't okay! First, its not my fault that she never wrote our appt down. Second, I drove 2 hours to see her and I cant just be doing that all the time! I'm pissed off that she seemed like shes just fine to rescheudle for a week from now, when its her fault, and when I have to make such an effort to get there. I'm in town NOW, she should see me today. Maybe thats unreasonable.
I called her back and left another message.. I just said that I know I have that card and that I'd been waiting anxiously for this appointment. I told her I didnt know about the other appt times because I just cant be driving all the way up here every week. I think she could probably hear both the fact that I was on the verge of tears and the fact that I was a little frustrated in the message. I hope she could. I told her to call me back. We'll see.
But more than angry, I'm really, REALLY hurt. I trusted her SO much... while Anne helps some, Laurie is the one I always trust to really get what I'm saying, to be solid and always be there, no matter what I tell her. I've always felt like I could rely on her. Last time I was there (3 weeks ago) was a really hard session.. we talked about the idea that I'm holding onto my depression because I dont feel like anyone cares about me without it.. and I'd never verbalized that to anyone before. She knew how hard it was. She knew it was a bad place for us to stop for 3 weeks... she even said that herself. How did she forget?
I feel completely rejected. Completely uncared about. I know everyone makes mistakes, but emotionally, it doesnt matter. It just doesnt.
If I felt alone before with the possibility of losing Anne (and I certainly did), this makes it 100000 times worse. Sometimes it feels like there is someone out there watching me and going "haha! gotcha!" Well dang it, you got me. I cant keep doing this.
poster:wishingstar
thread:684239
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684239.html