Posted by finelinebob on September 10, 2006, at 0:14:12
In reply to Re: But Saturday was a blessing » finelinebob, posted by llrrrpp on September 9, 2006, at 22:28:47
> I have such a nice image of you and your doggy in the park today. I'm glad you got some quality time in. I was worried that you were working too hard :)
Nah, the hard work has just begun. Perforated with bits of whimsy.
> I'm interested to hear more about the Beast and the Intruder. I'm not sure if it would be of any help to write about it here if you've written about it elsewhere (link me up!), but I'm not sure what the distinction is-- what's worth fighting, fleeing, annihilating, etc. I'm worried that I say the wrong things.I talked about it on my post in 2000, but since you're here...
My Beast used to have all sorts of names, but since my previous PDoc called it "bipolar spectrum" it's gotten easier to call it by name. Not sure if ADD fits in there or is a second name.Then I got this PTSD thing going for me. Some of it looks really familiar, but it's over and above where my Beast would go. Other aspects are new. So, as far as I'm concerned, I got another Beast to fight, and it ain't part of me. It may have been drawn to me and got into me because of who I am, but it is not "of" me. It has left scars that will always be there and although those wounds are a part of me, this Beast is not. So, I call it the Intruder instead.
My Beast and I, I like to think, have come to a certain understanding, perhaps even mutual respect. I'm cocky enough to think I can teach it some tricks. But the Intruder is vicious, brutal, and completely mad. There is no reasoning with it, there is no understanding, it exists only to hurt. But I'm strong enough now not to totally cave in when it attacks; more so now, since I can fight it off and see it's losing ground. I know it pretty well. I have lots of support from lots of sources. And there's just -- I dunno, omens -- that tell me this is the right time and I'm back in the right place. I think I've got a good shot at, at the least, dragging it back out of the hole it ripped getting into me and, at the best, crushing it. Annihilating it.
Closing and healing that hole are a different matter and will require a much gentler touch; I don't want to be disturbed while doing this. So, as for any maddened, mindless, vicious, brutal beast: if it's in my power I will put it down with extreme prejudice.
> How did your doggie get such a pretty name?Well, her litter was an "L" litter -- breeders will designate a litter by a letter so that their registered name (which should start with that letter) makes it easier to identify them by their parents and their siblings. I went looking for a website with German baby names, looked through the "L"s, and found Leyna which, according to the site, meant "little angel". I lost my previous shepherd (Tasha) to cancer a few months before her 5th birthday, so that name (little angel) meant a lot to me. She was born a month before 9/11, and I received her a month after so, even more, that name meant a lot to me. Her registered name, tho, is Breton's Halo's Leyna Belle. Breton Shepherds owned daddy dog, but the breeder is a close friend to Halo's breeder, who owned momma dog. Halo Shepherds ... another reason to name her "angel". Belle? How embarassing! I got to see Cats before it closed (incredible seats, 2nd row center) and I'm a sucker for a sappy showtune, so when my Tasha died too young, the notion of that one Jellicle Cat that would be reborn into a new life, and how Grizabella sings "Memory" and gets chosen because of it -- "Touch me, it's so easy to leave me all alone with my memory of my days in the sun / If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is / Look, a new day has begun." This was before I knew about the L litter designation ... and I sure as heck wasn't gonna name a dog, a German Shepherd at that!, after a cat!! So Belle was her original name, but Leyna grew on me quick.
And that's the story of how my sweet, neurotic (she grew up with me at home for most of her life, helping me deal with my troubles and taking some onto her) 86lb "little" angel got her name.
> (((ll))) sending me some hugs, 'cause you didn't return any.Did too! Check the first line of my previous message. (((((ll)))))
poster:finelinebob
thread:684143
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684631.html