Posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 23:15:19
In reply to Re: Dear Dr., posted by muffled on September 24, 2006, at 21:40:15
Thanks Muffled. It has passed, the moment of extreme hopelessness and joylessness has passed. For now. I pray it NEVER COMES BACK. I CANNOT STAND FEELING THAT WAY. Sorry for shouting, but goddamnit, that's how strongly I feel. I want all the bad feelings to go away, all the feelings of being alone, and a failure, and abandoned and hopeless and goddamn unworthy ...
I'm sick and tired of cruel, stupid people who don't understand anything. Therapists who are so caught up in their own lives they can't see outside their office boxes. They can't understand what pain really is. They don't feel it the way you or I do. Their pain is different. It really is. In fact, nothing is fully understood in this world unless it is fully experienced.
Fact.
On Friday I saw a new therapist. Let's hope she's capable of doing real therapy. Because I spilled the beans on my behaviour with the ex-therapist. Remember all my phone calls? Well, I'm still making them, you see. Still making all the phone calls to the ex-T, only they've really tapered off because I'm frightened of him now, frightened of his power and his blame and his self-righteousness. And he will be. I know that. In my heart, I know he has to defend himself against God knows what.
In any case, my shameful secret is out, that I used him like a soother, his answering machine, and I ranted and raved into it and cried into it and loved into it .. I used that machine like it was my lifeline. And it was.
But my nightmare was this .. that a lot of dead bodies were floating in a lake where I was .. I don't remember all the details but the bodies were brought in, rotting, rolled up in blankets, and placed beside my son .. and the reason they were beside him, I realized when I awoke, is because I made a phone call when I was stoned and my son was beside me, he was there in the room, and talking to me, and I was on the phone, and I knew the T could hear him, and THAT is when he had his wife tape over his answering machine message.
So my shameful phone calls of despair are the dead bodies, and my son was the witness.
poster:Susan47
thread:688763
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688914.html