Posted by RN320 on November 29, 2006, at 1:17:49
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....?'s » RN320, posted by Shortelise on November 28, 2006, at 21:04:59
ShortE- I can't thank you enough for your response. Thank you for trying to help me problem solve. I'm very appreciative of your comments........
> I'm really glad to hear your T is doing better, /m. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a bad time dealing with it.
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> /m, I'd like to find something to say to help you a little - do you mind if I try? I know you didn't ask for it, but I'd feel even worse if I didn't send you some ideas.
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> He isn't gone so you don't need to mourn him.The thing is- I feel like I have been dealing with an actual death over the past couple of weeks. When I was a student nurse, many MANY years ago I remember an instructor who was lecturing in my pediatrics rotation, and I can still hear her (for some weird reason)talking about the concept of "anticipatory grieving" which is what parents sometimes do when a child is diagnosed with a terminal illness. I remember a vivid description of how parents can actually grieve for a death long before it occurs and that when things suddenly turn around for the better and the child recovers- they have trouble accepting it because to them the child is already dead. I was thinking about this yesterday because when I read the email from my T's brother I was feeling very numb. Although I said "thank God" out loud, I had a hard time believing that he was really doing better. This numb feeling hasn't gone away yet, which is why I'm up in the middle of the night on babblemail. I think that your statement really hits it on the head, here.
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> Be nice to yourself, try to do whatever if it you need to do to keep yourself well and strong. In moments like the one you're experiencing, I sometimes try to think of myself as someone else I have to take care of. That might be completely whacky, but it works. I tell myself, I need to make sure I eat, that I get my walk, that I sit in front of my lamp, that I be kind to myself and not listen to those inner voices that can really upset me. I try to think of myself as someone I need to care for.
>
This is a good point and I'll try to start thinking like this. I think that it's the inner voices that are contributing to my feeling like nothing matters and that I'm such a loser for not being able to keep myself together during this awful time. I feel guilty for even thinking of my own needs above Dr. P's needs right now. Nurses are socialized to care for others and to put others needs above their own. (I mean "old school" nurses- where nursing was a calling, not just a paycheck like it seems today.)I feel like I'm letting down Dr. P and my pdoc because of all the hard work that they've put into my care over the last 5+ yrs. It should be the least that I can do to keep myself together- I feel a sense of responsibility to them. It's also a sad feeling for me to have to realize that I'm not as "better" as I thought I was....that perhaps the only reason that I'm still on the planet is because Dr. P has dragged me along week by week in therapy.
> If my T were in the same situation, and believe me, I am having no trouble imagining it wich is why I am so drawn to write to you, I would hope I would be taking very good care of myself, that I would be able to write him a note saying I was ok and looking forward to seeing him again.
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I have prepared a card with a note to him, keeping things light as he does have a good sense of humor. It's important to me that he NOT know what a basket case I am so that he doesn't have to think about anything but getting well. When and if he returns to practice, I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him how bad it's been for me in his absence. If I were in that situation right now, I think that I feel too guilty to talk to him about it.
> At times I have to literally hold myself, and reassure myself; talk to myself as though I were talking to a child. I so need to believe I have the strength, that I've learned enough in therapy enough about my own strength to see me through most anything. /m, two weeks ago I sat with a friend, a good friend, through her death from cancer. With her family there, too. I was with her at the end, alone, and I talked her through it, invited her to let go. You know what that's like, but I didn't. Yet I was able to do it. And I was able to do it without fear. Because of 8 years of learning how to be whole, and how to stay centered.
>
What a wonderful gift you gave your friend, being with her and talking her through her final journey. I was in the same position with my best friend of about 25 years a couple of years ago who lost her battle with cancer. In my case I went through a lot of anticipatory grief, but was upset more because I couldn't stand to see her suffer during her brief but excrutiatingly painful illness. Even though it's a process that I was more than familiar with, I was still hysterical when I got home, and Dr. P was there to help.> What you write about - forgetting meds, taking them twice, forgetting to test your blood sugar - what do you need to do to get this under control?
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I've thought about this alot, feeling like these are simple things and that I should be able to handle them. That said, I don't really know what to do.....I don't think that it's deliberate- my memory just sucks in all areas right now. The ones I listed are just the worst.
> Are you walking, exercising, doing the things that help? You're obviously no dummy, you know what you need to do - is there anyone you can ask for help? If there is, ask for help. Go walking at the mall.I was diagnosed with a heart problem over the summer and am currently in my 3rd week of cardiac rehab, so I'm getting supervised exercise. The staff at the rehab center are all very nice and they all want to talk to you when you're there, which can be kind of overwhelming since there are a couple of RNs, a couple of exercise physiologists, a PT and a dietician. It's all I can do right now to just get there and exercise, so I try to stay below the radar screen so I don't have to talk too much. I lost it there one day last week- started crying hysterically, so I think that they probably think I'm a nut case for sure.
There isn't really anyone that I can ask for help, which also makes me feel bad. As I said, I lost my best friend a couple of years ago. I have a few local friends, but they're really busy with careers and family and have limited time. They don't know how bad that I can feel- I try to minimize my illness. I learned early on that you can lose friends quickly that see you unwrapped, especially when they're used to seeing you having it all together. In the kind of work I used to do just prior to becoming ill in 2001, I was employed by a medical manufacturer, and spent about 80% of my time on the road (in the US and a little international work). I met and have kept in touch with a ton of people across the country and have even developed a couple of relatively close friendships. That's really good news when you're out and about, but it's pretty lonesome when you're not able to travel. I keep in touch through email and phone with a couple, and again I hesitate to really say much because I find that people in my life seem very uncomfortable seeing me as I am today. I have very little family- Dr. P has worked with me to keep my mom at bay because she can be really destructive/toxic and I have a sister that just can't relate to or deal with weakness. It's very hard for me to try and figure out who I can ask for help. For this reason I've saved this kind of stuff for therapy and for my pdoc.
> Forgive me if I'm telling you things you already know and that bugs you. Your pain just grabs me, and I want to help.
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> Many hugs to you /m. You've given me a lot to think about.
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> ShortE
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Absolutely no offense taken, ShortE. I think that your message has been really helpful for me- you've given me some material that will hopefully help me reframe this in some way. I've found a great deal of support on this message board....maybe some day I can return the many favors. Thank you for taking the time, and for such thoughtful insight.
/m>
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poster:RN320
thread:706432
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/708487.html