Posted by wishingstar on December 12, 2006, at 13:32:37
In reply to Suicide -mad at myself ** big trigger i think**, posted by inimitable on December 11, 2006, at 21:49:02
Oh inimitable... {{{hugs}}}
I know how you feel. What you said really struck me because I've been there so many times myself.
I want to tell you a little about how I felt not to make it about me, but just so you know you arent alone. I was in grad school up until about 2 months ago. The material was difficult and not particularly exciting, but definitely not beyond my abilities. I found myself feeling the same way you describe... "I could just kill myself tonight rather than having to write this". And "this" could be a 2 paragraph blurb. It didnt matter. It doesnt necessairly matter how "big" the thing is.. the emotional impact is the same. Once youre already completely filled up to the top with stress and hurt and emotions, theres just no room for anything else, regardless of what it is.
I always often feel like I'm lying or "fooling everyone" (my T included) when they refer to me as depressed because I too have good moments, and moments where I function well. However, depression doenst have to be every second of every day for it to be real. Thinking about killing yourself at all is enough to signify theres a problem. I think that sometimes our brains are just so overwhelmed by fighting the depression, even if its in a moment where we're feeling pretty good, that we just cant "do the things we should do". It's not a cop out. And you dont have to have any major life traumas to be depressed, just like you dont have to have diabetes in your family to be diagnosed with it, for instance. Maybe that's a bad analogy, but you get the point.
I dont know how else to put what I'm thniking into words because it's a feeling I can relate so closely to. But honestly, I dont believe you are faking it or copping out of responsibilities. You are doing the best you can right now. Dont be too hard on yourself.
ws
poster:wishingstar
thread:712780
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/712876.html