Posted by littleone on December 17, 2006, at 21:05:35
In reply to Thoughts on Suicide - Trigger, posted by Daisym on December 14, 2006, at 23:46:58
> T: "That makes me sad. I think at some point you are going to have to choose wanting to live in order to really feel better.
Hi Daisy,
I wanted to say something to you, but I'm worried it will come out the wrong way and just sound terrible.
Re your T's comment above, it really struck a chord with me. I remember reading in "Got Parts" quite a while ago, it mentions something along the lines of how you need to choose to live and make a commitment to that promise before you can heal. I read that when I was feeling very unwell.
I remember that it made me feel real sad because I just couldn't make that promise/commitment. And all I could think was it was no wonder I wasn't getting any better.
I guess I could see that it was a necessary thing, but I just couldn't see how to do it. I couldn't give up my escape option.
Today, I am doing so much better. Today, that escape is no longer an option for me. Having said that, I still can't make a promise to live. I get worried I'll fall back in the pit and need that escape option. But even though I can't make the promise, I think I feel the promise inside me.
And I can tell it's made a big difference in my therapy. It feels like I've really leaped forward.
I really wanted to tell you what I did to make myself better. I *so* want to do that. But I really have no idea. Which scares me a lot. If I don't know what I did right, how do I know to do it again next time I'm unwell?
So I've asked my T for his thoughts and, if I can remember his answer, I let you know what he says. However, I often get lost in the fog when we talk about this stuff, so I might forget or get muddled.
I guess I wanted to say that it *does* get better. Even when it feels like it never will. I'm living proof for you. I wish I could give you more than that.
The other thing I wanted to say is that if you did take up that escape option, I would miss you terribly. I miss you a lot already when you go quiet on the boards. I really don't think you realise just how much you bring to us all here.
I know you're having a real rough time (and have been for ages now). I'm just so glad that you're still around to post about it.
I know you talked about the secret shame surrounding this for you. To me it seems like a lot of the replies you've received are very accepting of what you've said. I guess I wonder if you can feel that acceptance, if it helps with your shame and the secrecy, what the acceptance does for you and your wishes for this escape.
I know that for me, I was unable to recognise or feel acceptance until it was pointed out to me by my T. I have had to learn to feel the warmth that comes with acceptance. I guess I was interested in your thoughts because I'm working on some shame/acceptance stuff at the moment.
poster:littleone
thread:713827
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/714673.html