Posted by Jeff Smith on April 3, 2007, at 22:22:23
In reply to Re: phrases, posted by Honore on March 31, 2007, at 16:42:10
***If not interested in reading a long-ish (but relevant) babble about me then just skip to "Part 2" for the basics.***
Howdy People,
-Well some of you may possibly be wondering why I was offering to share a certain series of babble mails with anyone interested in reading them. I tried to make it clear as to why I was offering this and I hope my point came across loud and clear, however its very difficult to say what you truly want to say here without being "uncivil".
Im really hoping that anyone who followed along this thread understood exactly why I was offering to share these things, and exactly what point I was trying to make with my posts about them, but I fear that people may have gotten the wrong impression of my intentions. I'd really hate for anyone to have the wrong impression so Im going to try to explain myself and motivation, to the best of my civil ability.
-OK, so I have to start by saying that despite all of my misery and mental problems, and my lack of money and lack of a career and lack of relationships and lack of material things and lack of most everything that the would allow most "normal" people to feel any sense of pride or dignity- I still actually do have a few things that allow me to hold on to what little dignity and pride I do have in myself.
Im actually a very good and decent, kind and caring person (unless you pull some nasty crap with me). I'm quite sympathetic and empathetic towards the pain of others. I really have no real life human contact (besides one person) so I often watch on TV and read about others on the net who are clearly suffering (in one way or another) and I can totally relate to their pain. I feel horrible for them and wish I could help them, but I cant even help my own self.But Im also a huuge animal lover and can and do in a way help them. I love them to be alive and living their lives happily and peacefully and not brutally physically
and mentally tortured like literally billions of them are each year for various reasons. That's completely devastating to me.
I won't (to my knowledge) take part in anything involving the use of animals (aside from my chocolate addiction which contains dairy) when I know how they've suffered and been denied their right to life.
And so I dont eat them or wear them at all and wont use products I know that have been tested on them. It makes probably no difference in the grand scheme of things, however Im able to live with peace of mind and a clear conscious knowing that Ive done all I can personally do to not contribute to the harm and death of any animal.
Yes, I know people find that weird but Im not trying for a big debate about this, and Im not trying to "convert" anyone... my point is just that this is something I so strongly believe in and something I feel good/proud about myself over.
-Another (totally unrelated to animals but totally related to my point) of the few aspects of myself I'm able to feel pride in and a strong conviction for is living, breathing, eating, sleeping, thinking and telling the truth. Plain and simple. I don't lie to myself about anything and I won't lie to anyone else. I'd sooner remain completely silent or avoid the subject than to say something untrue. Being that Im extremely insecure and have always worried about what others think of me it makes it very uncomfortable for me to be myself here or anywhere else Ive ever been in life.
But I am myself, my true self, my genuine self, my honest self and the only self that I am. If Im not myself then Im just living a lie and just like I refuse to take part in the animal "usage" I also refuse to live a lie.
If people dont like me because Im angry or depressed or have no career or am gay or dont celebrate holidays (can't be bothered) or any other reason then I truly would be pretty crushed: I really hate not being liked but, again, Ill never change who I am just to be liked... otherwise Im not the actual person being liked-- the lie of a phonie person is.
Being authentic and not a liar is one of those few things Im able to feel pretty good and proud about myself for... and I do.
"Part 2" ,less babbling. : )
-And so its extremely important for me to have people see the real me and not someone else they may think I am. If anyone ever were to think I was not telling the truth then I will not only be mentally preoccupied and anxiety ridden by their incorrect opinion/thought of me but I'll obviously do whatever I can to prove that Im being truthful.
The following summary of the series of events will hopefully explain what took place, explain myself, my intentions, etc.....................-If you read this thread then you'll know that I originally came here not because I was having a great life or because I was the picture of mental health. It was/is quite the opposite and I explained how I was/am in misery of all sorts.
-So:
-I came here to psycho babble. I started this thread. I received replies. I posted replies.
-I posted this: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/742525.html I asked two questions at the end.
-I posted more in the thread and read more replies.
-I received a babblemail. I replied. I received a second babblemail. I replied. That, btw, would be: 1+1+1+1=4. Always has and always will of course.
-I felt wrongly judged. I felt unnecessarily judged. I felt insulted. I felt condescended to among feeling other not so pleasant feelings.
-I felt I had done nothing to earn or deserve to feel these new feelings. I was already feeling bad enough. I certainly didnt need or want to unpleasantly feel any of these new feelings.
-I then felt justifiably angry. I then felt justifiably vindictive. I then felt like sharing my feelings publicly.
-I felt no need or moral obligation to not share these feelings.
-I felt like telling everybody exactly what was said.
-I feel like if somebody chooses to make their own bed then they should lay in it... or don't bother making it in the first place if they can't handle laying in it.
-I wanted to share my feelings and I wanted people to know exactly why.
-I made another post. I shared my feelings. I got blocked. I then got unblocked.
-I returned. I still felt like sharing my feelings which I felt had not been made clear enough or couldn't be clear enough since portions of my post were X'd out.
-I felt perhaps people misinterpreted what my point was and/or worse yet perhaps didn't believe these were the facts.
-I repeatedly tried to assert my position when challenged. I again offered to share facts with whoever interested.
-I felt the need to prove that what I was saying was true in the most civil (according to babble rules) way I could do so and made another post.
-I tried. I failed.
-I got blocked.
-And now, back again for the moment, all I want again regarding this issue is to be understood and believed.
-I feel very frustrated over having had my claims be disputed when Im very easily able to prove the facts are 100% as Ive said they are.
-I feel anxiety filled over the possibility that Im not believed or that people may think I've just been trying to start trouble for someone for no apparent valid reason... when there was valid reason to "start trouble".
-I feel/felt the need to be vindicated.
-Is that so wrong? I don't believe so.
-Well thats all I can say. Maybe its too much and Ill be blocked again (although I cant see why this time) but if that's the price I have to pay here for being truthful and trying to prove myself then so be it.
Thanks for reading if you did and for hopefully understanding exactly what Im saying and meaning.
poster:Jeff Smith
thread:742135
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070324/msgs/746720.html