Posted by gazo on April 14, 2007, at 10:46:25
In reply to Re: let's hear it for self-destruction!! ***trigg » gazo, posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 10:14:23
>I HAVE to do it or I will die of hurt..
well, that part i know is a lie we tell ourselves. Feeling like i will die from fear or agony is bad. No doubt. But that ain't it. Lately my fear has been about actually dying. There is something that happens in me that is hard to describe.. my pdoc saw it first hand and was really shocked. There is a point where i would do anything to make it stop, and THAT is what scares me. The behaviours now are basically meant to keep myself from reaching that other point.
it's hard to even talk about... there is no conscious choice being made when i hit that point. i wish i were just exaggerating. My pdoc was completely astounded.
i don't know why that happens..not yet anyway. And it will take some work to build a safety net or zone for me to even consider looking at that.
but today i am chilling. Gotta run some errands. Tonight will be tough. Going to a birthday bash. I'm broke so i can't drink a lot. Shakin my money maker oughta be fun though.
you know.. i got a tattoo a while back.. for bravery. i knew i was heading into a deep woods and i wanted a visual, constant reminder that i needed to be brave. Every day i see it.
poster:gazo
thread:749671
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/749744.html