Posted by Honore on April 14, 2007, at 12:33:57
In reply to Re: It's hard to post here » Honore, posted by madeline on April 14, 2007, at 6:40:02
Thanks Maddie. I know it's hard to respond if it seems that your response is already said not to be right.
Your response is so helpful and great. The hospital where I had to stay even though I was fighting the whole way to make the doctor not force me-- although it was at the end necessary, I guess-- was so awful. So dark and yet saturated by this strange flickering sense of danger, like a hundred ghosts down the corridor, or leaning out from each room.
When I was walking in the middle of the night, cause I couldn't sleep at all, the bed was like a prison, and I thought if I couldn't get up my body would burst into a thousand vibrating pieces of glass. Then they had to walk me cause I was tied to some IV thing- and they were acting as if I were an invalid, and could stand on my own. Which I could. The light in hospitals is so eerie, you know? like this dim half light that doesn't shine, but just glimmers away from you. Nothing but long white right angles that go off into the darkness and no air. It's the most airless place I've ever been.
Lying down was worse, because they wanted me not to move, and made it impossible at one point for me to. Probably thought I would move in my sleep-- except I don't, and I couldn't sleep.
I know I shouldn't complain. But when you're lying in this massive carpet of silence that they seem to cover you with, the worst thoughts and memories come into your mind. Mine are mostly about my mistakes and failures and all the things I wish had been different. But they're bad enough to me.
And they really think if you're obviously frightened or sad that you're annoying and demanding==and act as if you're the lowest type of person because you can't be strong. I'd love to be strong. It seems to unfair that they get angry at you because you can't keep the feelings away-- when you're at your worst. Maybe I'm just not sympathetic== I mean people don't find me so. Which is my doing too. But I don't mean to be distrustful and hard, and yet so frightened and sad.,I hope you can forgive my going on about myself. I'd love to practice terseness, but it never works.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:749652
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/749773.html