Posted by Daisym on April 16, 2007, at 0:03:44
In reply to Daisy? Help!, posted by antigua on April 13, 2007, at 13:32:24
Now, I've just kind of dismissed her. I know it's related to my mother, that I just sealed her off because she didn't, couldn't, whatever help me, although of course I never came right out and asked for it. (As a mother myself, though, I'm certain there were signs.)
****I think it is interesting that you say your therapist has been there for you but then you think you are shutting her out because you view her as your mother who wasn't there for you. So she doesn't matter. Is it possible that she is "better" than your own mom, whom you are trying to rebuild a relationship with? And if this is true, in some ways, is that hard to see over and over again? Just a thought...
I talked this over with my T yesterday. She said I could leave therapy today (which I've been trying to do) and would function very well, but I wouldn't be "finished" with therapy. I understand what she means, but I don't know how important this might be to me in the long run. I have a much more open relationship with my mother since I told her about my father, and sometimes I think I need to work things out with her and not through my T.
*********Yeah, see above. And, I don't think any of us are ever really finished with therapy. I just think that since you've told your mom, you are opening up your feelings about her. You are no longer working so hard to keep a giant secret, so many of the feelings that were trapped behind the secret are coming out. And I get that your therapist would be a good target for some anger...I'm mad at mine all the time for not being there to stop the abuse. It is so much easier for me to just pretend that things with me and my mom are OK - to not think about the past at all and just try to enjoy the relationship we have now. But it gets harder and harder, the more time I spend with her. As you've been around your mom, how has it felt? Is she more the mom you want her to be since you've told her? Or has it been, "gee, sorry, let's move on."My T says it's my final defense mechanism--pulling aways from her when I need to deal with the feelings my younger self had about my mother's inabilities to be there for me. I'm not sure about that. What do you think?
*********I think I agree with your therapist. I desperately only want to be mad at my dad. But I'm furious with my mom. And right now it is so unfair for me to be mad at her, she is grieving and she needs me. But I just can't escape the truth. I am mad at her and so, so sad that she couldn't really see me when I really needed her. And yet, if I'm mad at her, then who do I have left? I think you are in an even deeper place - you've told her, she accepted you and so to be mad at her right now might shake all that up. Hasn't our deepest fear always been that if our mom's find out, they will blame us? So now she knows, and she didn't blame you. So if you get mad at her, will she get mad back? Scary stuff.She told me to think about what would be my greatest fear in opening up this part to her. I've thought hard about this, and I'm afraid that the strength of my "paternal" transference that I put on other men (which was so very painful and long lasting) will erupt with her, and I'm not sure I want, can, etc. deal with it.
**** Meaning what? If you now have a mom, does your therapist convert to your dad? And if so, does that shake your relationship with her - - will you need her more or in a different way? I can see why this would be so frightening. And I think you are right to question whether you really need to go here. Mine is here, whether I want it or not, but if yours isn't, perhaps it isn't demanding to be opened up. I won't lie to you, I'm in a pretty painful place, feeling alone and not sure how to let my therapist help me. I think about quitting therapy at least once a week. Last week I told him I was leaving because there were too many demands on me from my mom to be the daughter she needs. And I can't do that and do therapy. He said we need to make space for me too, and for little daisy. He said she needs him and he is right. But I don't want to lose my mom to the anger either. (sorry, this isn't about me.)Let me add that I have a male pdoc, so I'm kind of playing out both parents here. He is a hardline type of guy (get over it, integration means there's no little girl, there's only you, etc., which is troubling at times, but I seem to react better to that, maybe because it's more authoritarian like my father). I'm usually strong enough to dismiss what he says when it doesn't fit, but last night he really tried to take away the little girl. (I had done something stupid and recognized that it had come from her, she was driving my self-destructive behavior). But if I deny her role, than I feel like I can't identify where the behavior is coming from. If it's from her, I can say, Oh, now I understand, but he says full integration means that me, the adult is driving the behavior. But that scare the bejeezus out of me because I'm not sure how to protect myself if I don't know where this behavior is coming from! To me, that puts me at such a greater risk for self-destructive behavior. Does this make any sense?*****I get both sides of this. Part of me wants to do what your Pdoc suggests -- really own the behaviors and the grief. But that would mean *I* would have to own the abuse too, and I just can't yet. It happened to her -- and slowly she is becoming me. I also think you find it a relief to not have to protect your little girl self -- you can join your pdoc in being harsh with her. And then your therapist's voice kicks in and you KNOW that your behavior IS coming from this younger part. I don't think full integration means you don't feel young sometimes and act from that place. I think it means we understand ourselves and embrace the complexity of everyone. Think about when you feel giddy or silly - don't you think that is a young place? We don't mess with that because it is safe to be playful, usually. Think about losing that side of you, if you were to close off your little girl completely. That wouldn't be good.
I wish I had more answers for you. I'm kind of brain dead still. I hope you had a good weekend.Love and hugs,
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:749526
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/750176.html