Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 18, 2007, at 19:12:49
Maybe you guys can make sense of this. I'm just trying to stay safe.
First let me start with the good news. I made it home from my office in one piece and crossed only when the little man said "go" and got on the right bus. Then I found my keys and greeted my cat with mutual affection and hooked up my computer in bed with my comforter and pillows propped up to support my head. I am safe, though I don't always feel safe, but I'm in my safe place.
now the bad news
1) one of my diss committee members is suddenly unavailble for the date I confirmed over a month ago. Now I have to play "pleasing impossible busy people who don't give a sh*t" and get them to agree on a new time, all while they bitch and moan about how important their work is. And the ones who don't bitch and moan are silent and don't tell me when or if they're available. I'm having a panic attack in my office as it starts going down. and I take a klonopin and wait for 5 minutes. go to my advisor and ask her what to do and she suggests ... something impossible... THANKS for her input. I go to a secretary who is very kind and gives me some possible times. This might work afterall. then the waiting... for the 3rd and 4th person to tell me it will work. the waiting is the worst thing...2) my pdoc today decides that the folks in the hospital were onto something. says that many of my symptoms are indications of bipolar disorder. I say "tell me more" and realize what the statistics are. In the middle of at least my 3rd depressive episode I realize that I'm going to need to be on medication. According to statistical models my depressions are likely to reoccur somewhere between 90-100%. And that my current status is probably a mixed state that has been going on for sometime and includes elements of extreme productivity (i.e. writing diss in 3 weeks) and extreme instability (i.e. wanting to kill myself often, like every day. Don't worry these are just little intense thoughts. I am in my safe place now. with the cat. I wasn't prepared for a new Dx today. It's really depressing. And polarizing. And sounds grave. Makes me feel like I'm never going to get better. I guess I may never get better. I should just accept that. I feel like I've been handed a death sentence of chronic disease. Somehow PTSD (which I guess I can still have) seems more positive, since trauma can be resolved and managed behaviorally. but bipolar disorder. that's so. permanent. and serious. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me.
3. Depression every day. Every afternoon it greets me. By evening it's exhausted me. I hope to be in a safe place when it gets really bad every day because I do dumb things like crossing the street without looking or giving a sh*t. like... m*therfuckers. run me the f*ck over.
4. babblemess
5. no good news. only lots of triggers of senseless violence and speculations of how mental illness caused so much senseless death. Mental illness... I guess I get life-long membership into that unappreciated and stigmatized group.
6. my friends are struggling right now too. babble friends and IRL friends. I feel like an additional burden.
7. My diss advisor decided last night at 9pm that my intro was no good and that I hadn't make the changes that I said I would make. (I guess I just didn't get it, or maybe I thought I DID make the changes) Do I have the heart to rewrite 40 pages. I might do it if I knew I'd feel good about my work when it's done. But I don't feel good about anything. when it's done it's done and I have nothing to do but ... think... about myself and my life... and that's no good right now.
8) I feel like there is nothing that anyone can say to me that will make me feel better. I appreciate the gestures of babblesupport, it's just that I'm so low that I cannot possibly comprehend how a few simple words would make me feel better. I just don't understand how words can help. I value you all as caring, understanding people with good hearts. I think that you all are intelligent and have a unique range of life experiences, but I'm so down that I don't even see how I can help myself, much less help anyone else or allow anyone else to help me. part of me is doing my isolating thing of withdrawing from the world. then I survive another day and it starts all over again. the good moods of the morning. the panic and depression of the evening, the exhaustion and utter despair of the nighttime.9) I've had a headache for 6 weeks now. my pdoc tells me it's a tension headache. I am resistant to his suggestions of how to get rid of tension. I just want to feel better now. At least he gave me more free samples.
10) because 10 is a good number. you survived to the end. so did I. yay for both of us.
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:751144
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/751144.html