Posted by DAisym on July 18, 2007, at 20:02:38
I've been on a roller coaster this summer - getting ready for my dad's visit, the visit and then vacation with my mom. And I'm getting a divorce. And there has been an ongoing crisis at work. Therapy has been all about keeping it together, preparing myself for the emotional onslaught of each thing and then dealing with it. It is all abuse related in one way or another, but I haven't been telling actual stories/memories in awhile. In fact, for weeks after my dad's visit the younger parts of me were very quiet, in hiding I think.
This week he challenged me to allow the younger parts back into the room with him. Ugg - so many tears and bottled up feelings. And then yesterday, a memory I've told him before was up but as I was talking, the room up-ended and there was suddenly a new piece to the memory --something that I am so ashamed about. We explored this memory in a way that we haven't before and it frightens me. Is this a new level of need? Is this even OK? - I feel like I contaminated my therapist by pulling him into the memory with me. I was remembering being 8 and I was talking about my dad's anger at my brothers. I felt so 8...and my therapist was responding to that part of me. I tried to brush him away and he asked me if I could not judge but just narrate - what was 8-year old Daisy feeling? So we went with it -- and whenever I'd stop, he'd say something short and gentle, either repeating what I'd said, "yes, you were confused" or asking a question,"did you cry?" It was so hard, at one point I said I wished he could see what I did so I didn't have to use words, but it also felt like he was holding my hand as we went into this. His voice let me know that he was OK and still there and he never abandoned her (me) to silence. I told him how I would take it upon myself to soothe my dad and try to absorb his anger. I did this by performing sexual acts and this memory showed me a new one. It was pretty awful, both to have initiated things and to realize that there are still things I don't know. When I pulled up and out of it, my therapist simply said, "let the tears come" and sat with me while I cried. We talked about this experience of spontaneous telling, and he said it was an important shift for me. I was too tired to argue with him.
But today I started out furious with him, telling him that it was too scary to tell like that, I felt so out of control. He said he imagined that was how I felt at 8 - thinking I could control all of this but getting overwhelmed instead. He said we did really hard but good work yesterday. But I was and am freaked out about needing him like that in order to go that deep. And what if I reveal something that is too awful for him to know? He said he already knows it is all awful but that it is important for me to have a witness and open up to these feelings. He used words like healing and trusting but I lost most of it to more tears.
Blah. So I'm really upset. Is this fair - using him as a flashlight, or like bread crumbs to find my way back? What if he gets disgusted and finally sees what I've been trying to tell him about how much of it really is my fault? And I forgot how bad it feels to have memories drop in, like ice down your back. It makes me need him in that terrified little girl way. He asked me if I was afraid he wouldn't be there today and I nodded yes but admitted to checking the answering machine once or twice (OK, 4-times, he laughed) to make sure there wasn't an away message on it.
I really hate this. Why can't I be finished with it?
poster:DAisym
thread:770441
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/770441.html