Posted by slugdoo on July 19, 2007, at 17:13:52
In reply to Letting go of the anger, posted by Nathan_Arizona on July 19, 2007, at 16:02:12
> Well, I KNOW you are a much better mom than yours. You can take a lot of pride in the fact that the cycle of abuse stopped with YOU! You have no idea how amazing that is and how it speaks directly to your intelligence and spirit.
Thank you for that, my T reminds me of this a lot. I was worried about having kids, but now I am so glad I have them, they mean so much to me.
> You will stop being mad when you are ready to stop being mad and for me it was a very gradual process.It must be gradual, I thought I was mostly over it, we talked about it in therapy soooo much. I think that is why my T was ready for termination mostly. But I guess it wasn't that easy. More work needs to be done.
Recently my son was on TV and did such a fine job, and I just wanted to tell everyone, to see how great he is, and how proud I am of him.
But mom (hard to use that word, maybe biological thing?) she choose to pick one of the most embarresting moments of my life when I was 13 and I messed up on stage at a talent show. I was reminded constantly that I was a loser.Thought it was sooo funny, I choked on stage. I even cut the tape and got in major trouble for that one. but they taped it back so they can humiluate me even more. And this was just one thing they did. ONE THING.
Another thing they did that was related to this was when I went to college I forgot a box of stuff. Well in that box was cassette tapes of all my performances ( the good ones). They taped over them. That was my history, the good part of me, and it was nothing to them, they just erased it, just like that. They are sick sick sick!
Besides physical abuse, what is it emotional abuse? All my pictures taken of me where embarrasing stuff, like wetting the bed, me pouting, crying after they well, you know, nothing was "happy moments". My T once started to say about seeing old pictures of me under the xmas tree, on how nobody knew what I was going through. And I am like , well there were no pictures of me and the xmas tree. There are no happy pictures that were taken. Maybe nobody was happy so the only pictures taken were to embarraess me? I just don't know what kind of animals (and animals doesn't seem to fit either, i love animals) maybe monsters? I just dont' know what to call them.
I just wish I would stop remember this sh*t, it hurts so much.
> During my recovery, there was a lot of "looking back" that I had to do and I spent a lot of time in my childhood - although I was clearly an adult.
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I hope someday I can get to the same place as you. Maybe when she is dead, it will help, I don't know, because the memories aren't dead and they still hurt me.
poster:slugdoo
thread:770324
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/770601.html