Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 26, 2007, at 11:11:36
I've been feeling really spacy dissociated apathetic majorly depressed and very suicidal this past week. Was attempting to cut the main vein in my arm an "attempt" or just a self-injury. moot point.
I told H last night to hide the knives in the house and to stay with me. He seemed oblivious. What had been caring concern morphed into a dark angry cloud "how could you think about that. I will NEVER understand that. You said you made great progress with T, that's a lie. T's are dirt, lower than dirt. They make you believe you're sicker than ever..." I asked him again to be with me and to hide the knives. He said "You think your life is so horrible? I respect that. If your life is THAT horrible I'll drive you to the store RIGHT now and get you a razor or whatever you want. You don't have the guts to do it." please, honey, I just asked 2 simple things. hide the knives and stay with me tonight. "Why? You're not fighting at all. You've given up completely. I'm not going to help someone who's given up. I can try and understand only so far. THIS [suicide] I will NEVER understand." I told him I wasn't feeling very well, would he please stop yelling at me? I told him that I needed his help because I was already cutting myself. he demanded to see. was disgusted. I was disgusted. "See, you don't have the guts to do it. I knew it. This therapy thing is a load of b*llshit. I remember the Llurpsie I knew 3 years ago, before any of this sh*t happened. It's the f*cking therapists and the drugs and they mess with your mind" please honey, just take away the knives and be with me.
And later on, after I retreated from this ongoing attack. the most stinging comment of all "your T (the one in Chicago) said that you had made the most progress [in a short time] than anyone she'd ever known? That's a load of b*llshit. You're worse than ever."
Lying in bed. him stewing. me wishing to have sharp implement handy for me not him. He demands I call my T. that I tell him that he doesn't know what the f*ck he's doing and he holds up the phone and threatens to find his saved number.
No choice now. I take the phone and go downstairs, where at least I'll have some privacy. I tell T about the cutting and intense suicidal thoughts. T asks if I need to go to the hospital. Told him that I was thinking about it, but had decided to take a sleeping pill. Told t about how H had offered to drive me to the store to buy me a razor blade. T offered to talk to H. H yelled back no f*cking way. I tried again. no. T told me that I could always call 911 and the police or the ambulance would take me to the ER if my husband refused to. I told T I'd fall asleep soon and that I'd call him back in the am
I called T back in the am. I told him that I was going to try to be okay. T strongly recommended tjat I call pdoc and be a little more adamant about changing my meds. That this was not acceptable.
And so I called pdoc and left detailed. ugh messasage with receptionist. pdoc called back within the hour and asked me to reduce my geodon from 240 back to 180. I told him that I wanted to try something different. That I'd been trying to get off of the geodon since April. He said my options were extremely limited :( Set up an appt for tomorrow. Now I go back to the meds board and see what the names were of all those chemicals recommended to me by linkadge and others (can't remember names. sorry)
That was my wild night. I just wanted a hug and for the knives to be taken away. Why was it so hard :'(
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:772078
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070726/msgs/772078.html